Saturday, December 31, 2011


While i was cleaning my office desk and making room for the new year- at the bottom of a large stack of papers i found 2011 New Years Resolutions. Sometimes i set the bar so high that i dont take time to count my accomplishments. I ember making this list in December of last year, and setting some pretty difficult but tangible goals for me this year. It was refreshing to see and that i struck off 7 out of 8 goals! Sorry Spanish! lol Spanish looks sort of like an addendum thrown in there anyways.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011


Happy Hanukkah to all the jewish homies out there!
I love this time of year; in the spirit of Hanukkah and sensibility i will be doing my Christmas shopping AFTER Christmas because that is when everything is practically being liquidated at a seriously good deal!

Seasons greetings!

Monday, December 19, 2011

lord of the dance...

in my quest to better understand the official dance to dubstep, i have found (and confirmed) the following.


Now you can join your millions of dead starved comrades and may the god Pulgasari has mercy on your soul.

RIP Kim Jong Il... the inventor of the "Double bread with meat" (hamburger)

out with the old, in with the new!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

worlds cheapest car

this is awesome. For the cost of a handful of Iphones- you can drive a CAR. Yes its the world's ugliest car, but a Nano CAR. at about $2,500 i call it the disposable car! Its awesome and i hope it catches on. Even though it is a glorified golf-cart; maybe one day I will be able to buy an electric VW SCOOT for the equivalent value of 2 iphones, a sandwich and 3 coco beans.

An American version of the Nano is being produced- 6 times as large with 13 highway miles to the gallon and a 6 pack beer holder.

Monday, December 5, 2011

The greatest sport of all time

I would like to thank all my friends for feeling the necessity to constantly update me with the latest football info on my Facebook; but let me remind you that the greatest sport in human history isnt football, basketball, baseball, tennis, golf, hocky, bad minton, boxing, pogs, kayaking, cricket, rugby, vollyball, tether ball, croquet, bmxing, Jai alai, waterpolo, soccer, womens softball and every other boring ass stupid sport... its professional wrestling. and here is the exact reason why:

In other news...

New Zealand doesn't like vandals who tag their buses with dildos.... and neither do I.

Monday, November 28, 2011

A Chat with CHAMPS Customer Service

I saw a shoe inside Champs and took a picture of it because i liked it and wanted to look online for it again. I didnt know what kind of shoe it was, so i emailed Champs to ask them; here is my series of unhelpful responses...


Original Message Follows:


Feedback type: Question
Area: Products

hey there, i was just in Champs today and saw a really awesome shoe so i took a picture of it with my phone- but i cant find it on your site.
Can you tell me what shoe this is?



Date: 11/21/11 07:29:47 AM
Subject: Champs Sports FeedBack Form

Hello Eric,

Thank you for your email.

Due to the potentially serious email virus risks involved with opening
an attachment, we are unable to open and read any unsolicited emails
containing an attachment. We are also unable to view any images that may

be embedded within an email. Please resend your email in written form
order for us to better assist you.

Please let us know if we can assist you further.


Mary W.
eCustomer Care


Original Message Follows: ------------------------

its just an image; i took it with my cell phone camera. There is no
other way i can describe my shoe to you. If you spontaneously obtain a virus i would hope Champs has adequate virus protection software.
Can you please connect me with someone from Champs who is eager to
sell shoes and not looking out for the best interest of your computers?
Your computers arent my concern nor are they the answer to my
shoe related question. If you cant than i'm sure someone from another
shoe store will


Date: 11/21/11 06:45:02 PM
Subject: Re: Champs Sports FeedBack Form

Hello Eric,

Thank you for your email.

If you would like you can upload your image to photobucket and add the
photobucket image into the email for us to view, but sadly, we do have
strict policies regarding attachments in emails and are unable to open
your message.

Please let us know if we can assist you further.


Levi S.
eCustomer Care


Thank you for your response Levi, but i do not have any attachments- i
have a link that is directed to an IMGUR account, the number one website for hosting images. I am not going through anymore hoops creating a
photobucket account, if anybody from Champs would like to click my
ultra-virus infected photo and identify which shoe it is, i would appreciate it.
if not i will take my business else wear.


Date: 11/22/11 01:56:27 PM
Subject: Re: Champs Sports FeedBack Form

Hello Eric,

Thank you for your email.

Please let us know if we can assist you further.


Benjamin K.
eCustomer Care


Thanks for your reply Benjamin, i will take your generic letter as an
invitation to show me the door. That is fine, i will try to contact
Foot Locker and see if i have any luck with them. In the mean time, I
will share this experience with my peers online. It is a shame when a company
feels so large to cannot answer a simple question because of its policy
on viewing images inside an email. I would recommend this free
anti-virus from AVG to protect you from dangerous emails, that is if
anyone is brave enough to click on the link




Date: 11/23/11 01:52:36 PM
Subject: Re: Champs Sports FeedBack Form

Dear Eric,

Thank you for your email.

Please understand that our policies regarding images and embedded links
are in place for the safety of all our customers. This is not to say
that we do not have security software or anti-virus software, it is
simply an additional precaution. Many other companies have similar
policies in place as well.

That said, I did view the image you provided and we do not carry that
shoe. I cannot provide an exact identification of that shoe for you
either, although it did look like there may have been a short
description on the price tag. The photo was not sharp enough to read the

Please let us know if we can assist you further.


Robbin H.
eCustomer Care


Thank you Robbin for eventually answering my question. Finally
after jumping through flaming hoops, now i know that you do cannot identify a shoe sold in your own stores. lol thanks for nothing, happy thanksgiving.



Date: 11/23/11 06:39:29 PM
Subject: Re: Champs Sports FeedBack Form

Dear Eric,

Thank you for your email.

Sorry for the inconvenience, but the policy regarding downloading images
is strict and for good business reasons. May I suggest that you go to
the nearest Champs store and perhaps an employee would be able to
provide you with more information and availability after showing them
the picture of the desired shoe. Regardless of the situation, you are
important as a customer and we do value your business!

Please let us know if we can assist you further.


Thomas V
eCustomer Care


Thanks Thomas, I appreciate your response but unfortunately I cannot drive to my nearest Champs because i just sold my car, all my worldly possessions and decided to join the Amish to reject all technology. I just decided I cant live in a world where computer viruses can restrict the quality of customer service that businesses must rely on and worst of all- destroy a potential sale . I am glad I shared the series of unsuccessful emails with Champs because it has shown me the evils of technology. I just sold this computer and I hope the next letter of satire you receive will be by pigeon. I feel sorry that Champs is caged in a world burdened by technology and dictated by computer viruses, i wish you the very best.



Date: 11/24/11 08:24:17 AM

Subject: Re: Champs Sports FeedBack Form

Hello Eric,

Thank you for your email.

I am hoping that you have not sold your computer yet so that you may get this response. As far opening attachments and pictures, this was not a practice of ours due to the amount of emails that we receive on a daily basis containing attachments. However we now allowed our associates to open and view attachments. The shoes that you are referring to in your picture are the Jordan Sky Hi Court Low - Leather.

Please let us know if we can assist you further.


Wendi L.

eCustomer Care

i changed their policy. win.

Lets Sing along!

This may be the worst Irish drinking song ive ever heard....


Monday, November 21, 2011

Do you need an Ass?

Ladies i got this system down and I can make you the perfect Ass you've always dreamed of! After years of having a flat booty and enduring the jokes throughout your childhood- now you can have the confidence and the ASS that you deserve.

With a little bit of Styrofoam, instant pudding, helium, vcr parts, frozen concentrated orange juice and a little Elmer's glue I can make this happen- and i'll do it all for only $449!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

The Last Man Standing

Yes my friends, October 31st 2011 has come and gone, and so goes another successful year and my ritual haunting the old neighborhood. I started a little later than usual, but that was no excuse for what i saw..... A completely dead street with absolutely not a single devil, ghoul, ghost, skeleton, zombie, ninja, spider-man, harry potter, fairy princess, optimus prime.... NOTHING. Its just me this year- The 6 foot tall reaper returns, celebrating his 15th year. What compels me to do this another year? Apparently I am the only one! Yes all the children must be at home sleeping because they were at "the Mall" all day. Well you can keep your center for commercialism, this ghost of Halloween past still soldiers the night on October 31st. Keep your laughter to a maximum, this is something i take with 100% unseriousness.

The first few houses is always the hardest... But then around 20 minutes into it, im reminded of why i do this. Not only is this the largest bounty of candy ever recorded- but because so many neighbors tell me "Oh here take some more- you were the only one this year". As a Halloween fundamentalist, somebody has to do this. One old lady (who searched around her entire house and garage nearly 10 minutes for the candy because she forgot where she put it) also told me that i was the only one this year- and that there was not many last year" I wanted to tell her so bad- "thats what you said last year mam".

Its always an interesting experience visiting my old houses that i spent so much time time growing up in. every year i like to see what they have done with my old room at 214 Maplecrest; or see how they redecorated my old house at 142 Maplecrest. This year they changed the guest parking on me and moved it over next to the playground. As i walked by the playground i couldnt help but reflect on my younger days growing up in the neighborhood. The time i spent roaming around at night on the weekends- talking on my Father's WIRELESS MOBILE CELLULAR DEVICE which was the size of a Vietnam military issued communicator. I remember rollerblading around that same neighborhood when i was 13, walking my dog with my old man when i was 14, hanging out at the pool when i was 15, my first spray painting mission with my mom at age 16- all the trips to west palm from Jupiter, the smilie gas station that had no name just a big smilie face, hanging out at the beach and the movies, the several thousand times i walked the same walkway to my front door- and there i was after 16 years.

As a 28 year old, my mind works differently than it did then when i was younger (no jokes), I start to notice details about the homes; such as if they have a termite problem, subtle lawn ornaments, missing shades on there window, gotti door knockers etc. Its funny i wont think of the inside of a persons house all year, but when i walk up to the door i remember subtle details about the house, who it is answering and what the inside looks like. Last year a common theme i noticed was the crude signage of people did to their front door that would read something along the lines of "SORRY NO CANDY (FROWNIE FACE)" or my favorite- simply "NO CANDY!". NO CANDY is like a huge FUCK YOU for the kids. The two biggest holiday seasons for retail is on Halloween and Christmas- and you're telling me you spent more time crafting a FUCK YOU sign than you could picking up a 99 cent bag of candy for the kids/ghouls?

One of my favorite things is the people's reaction to a 6 foot tall man at their door dressed in a crazy skeleton mask and black robe. Some people love it, some people are confused- either way i get candy because by the time they open the door they are bound to the agreement- TRICK OR TREAT. Sometimes i like to knock on the door a few times when i see them watching television and wait for them sarcastically. Im sort of like the LAST one every year, that big fucker who keeps everybody in line and makes sure that next year they have candy for everyone. BUT this year however i started a little later than normal (8:30, normally 8) so i didnt have the time to criticize the people who didnt have candy. I did however get this one jerk- this foreigner guy had the audacity to open the door and tell me he had no candy to my face; so i just said "no candy.... no, candy?" I stood there motionless with my bag out and waited sarcastically until he closed the door to walk away. LUCKILY i wasnt in the time frame to seek retribution for this violation or else his house would of been festooned with eggs, shaving cream, bologna and an assortment of toilet paper. This is an old American Holiday; everyone who gives an offering and decorates their home enjoys celebrating- those who dont are completely up for scrutiny and the occasional flaming dog shit.

Another trend i noticed a few years ago was a large number of houses that were foreclosed- that is always a sad thing to see and i pictured how you are supposed to explain that to a kid. There is this really nice lesbian that goes ALL out with music, cob webs, tombstones, skeletons- and when she opens her door inside is even MORE crazy stuff. She does it every year and i think it is so cool she does that. This one guy I watched through his entrance door window this year, slowly walk up and turned off the lights on me- just when i thought "woaw are you serious? is he just going to walk away right in front of me while I'm here like that??" then threw himself against the glass and tried to scare me! Very nice dude- he was another one that told me NOBODY came to his door- then unloaded candy on me! Thanks guy, not only for giving me candy but for being cool and for thinking about Halloween. The VERY VERY WORST thing i hate in the world on Halloween is- hypocrisy. This will be the house that has multiple jack-o-lantern, Spiders, lights, ghosts etc and absolutely NO MOTHER FUCKING CANDY. You fake hypocritical lying bastards! So many off those every year! Two houses this year had the classic "bowl of candy" offering in front of the door, this is always a blessing. One house had a table and a bag on it- it was sort of dar and hard to see so i reached into the bag to see what goods we got... It was miracle grow... THOSE BASTARDS! BUT I was SO tempted on taking it because i really do need miracle grow for my plants- however i decided against it because i didn't want dirt all over my candy.

At one point in the night i wanted to make better timing so while i walked past a connection area with no houses- i ran with my humungous sack in hand. After that weighted sprint, I began to sweating profusely which in turn made my razor thin cloak stick to my body. I picture people rationalizing my tall height as some sort of 13 year old that shot upward over the summer- but he would have an awkward perhaps boney body type of a juvenile who hasn't filled in yet- instead the sweat forced the thin robe to my body in combination with the muscles in my arms beginning to bulge and vein because of the weight from hauling my heavy candy sack around created an extra bizarre sight. Picture this; a 6'1" tall grim reaper is standing at your door with a large sack of candy and his swollen, hairy, veiny arms and hands gripped to the bag- there is a good chance this is no pubescent 13 year old... What i love the most is people will automatically open the door thinking there is a small group of children and instead you get me. ME lol. They cant NOT give you candy. One lady automatically leered downward when she opened the door and staring RIGHT in her face was my own and you can tell she near soiled herself. "You have a scarey mask!!" is a great compliment; not only to my same choice of mask ive worn 15 consecutive Halloweens but also to the fundamental spirit that HALLOWEEN IS supposed to be SCAREY! Many people laugh and compliment me, im not sure because they love seeing a good costume or maybe its because they know I'm humungous? A SMALL underhanded comment i got this year made me think. Perhaps i am being paranoid, but this one guy mentioned while giving me candy "here you go sir". I said to myself "Sir??? is he joking?? could he know?". I always find it funny when a kid younger than me answers the door and gives me candy, it always makes me laugh at how confused and scared they are. One kid dressed like a skeleton and being i was a large skeleton myself i told him what an awesome mask he had on- and then he said- "thats nuthin- check out my face!" taking off his mask and showing off his gruesome make up. Awesome- this was my hope for the future of Halloween.

I try to avoid confrontation at all costs; keep it short and to the point. I hit houses that has their lights on, if I'm in a hurry I'll wait 10 seconds and move on. Sometimes its bad when you can see them watching television and you know they are ignoring you. A few houses have a single step that you make to enter the entrance door, those are great because I stand directly behind the step to decrease my height by an entire foot- this aids in the illusion that perhaps a 6 foot tall respectable man ISN'T at your door and that children are getting larger or having a bizarre pituitary disorder (despite the fact that ive gone there every year since 1996 in the same costume- i have still never been confronted!). A pillow-sack is a perfect choice because not only is it traditional- but its size always fools the eye by thinking its never that full when the candy travels all the way to the bottom. It also doesn't appear very full- it just swells the bottom- it isnt until you see it lifted upward you realize how massive the booty is getting.

It takes me EXACTLY one hour to hit up every single house in my old neighborhood. When i finish, i pull my hood back but keep my mask on and sling my swollen pillow sack full of candy over my shoulder and begin my victory walk back to the car. I had the pleasure of seeing 2 teenagers (a boy and a girl) walk down the EMPTY neighborhood while taking my victory walk. As we strided closer it was obvious we observed each other's presence- mine especially. About 15 feet before crossing, one of them said nervously "uh Happy Halloween" . I remained absolutely silent which was incredibly awkward until we crossed paths and then immediately TURNED AND LUNGED FORWARD and went "HAAAAAAAAAAA!PPY Halloween!". They shrieked and started laughing right afterword repeating how much I scared the hell out of them. That was the greatest point in the night for me; i got to do what you're supposed to do on Halloween.

In the beginning i always say to myself laughing and cringing behind my mask "oh my god i cant believe im out here again, this is hilarious as it is humiliating...." but then you remember how fun it is and you get this unloading of candy into your sack.... I realize if i didn't do this nobody would. I have a responsibility, not only to my ritual but to my old neighborhood. As i reached the end of my victory walk- I could picture someones face while sitting quietly on their patio, spotting the last trick or treater of the night... walk up to a car, get inside and drive away.

and now what you been waiting for- the fruit of my psychotic labor:

Wednesday, November 2, 2011


If you're mad that an Ipad2 is cheaper than youre Iphone; let me really steam your pickles by telling you I only paid 99 cents for my MyPad. It only has 1 app on it but its solar powered and bigger than a palm pilot!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Extreme Punctuation

I think sometimes i am guilty of using liberal amounts of exclamations, but not when its grammatically necessary! sometimes i'll make a point, but to emphasize it on an upbeat i'll use an exclamation!! Just one exclamation for a normal sentence aint so bad- But then at the end of the paragraph i throw 2 or 3 more to know i'm ending my point in a fit of screaming rage!!! and if i don't know something, i tack on a few hundred question marks to let the world be as confused as i am???? Then when the shit hits the fan i TYPE IN ALL CAPS AND SCREAM AT TOP OF MY LUNGS, USING BOLD IF AVAILABLE, UNTIL I THROW EVERY FORM OF PUNCTUALITY AT THE END OF MY SENTENCES!!! WHERE DID I LEARN HOW TO TYPE, LOONEY TUNES SCHOOL??!!!????!!!?!?!?!?



Friday, October 21, 2011

Not Scary VS. Scary!

I was asked today about what i thought was a good kids Halloween costume- and first I wanted to address fundamentally what Halloween IS and what it is NOT- especially when it applies to children.

What is Halloween? Traditionally, when i think of Halloween, try keep in mind this is a pagan holiday in its roots and it is a very mischievous holiday. We don't chant the words "TRICK OR TREAT" because we want candy- it is a barter. It means i am a GHOUL coming to your door- you give me an offering and i will spare you... if you do not agree then may God have mercy on your soul. During the 80s, when i was a kid this was a VERY serous holiday- earlier in the night was for the kids but around 9pm the big kids (teenagers) were ALL OVER the place egging houses, shaving cream everywhere, toilet paper blowing through the trees. THIS was mischief! I COULD NOT WAIT to be a big kid! I NEVER forget, my Mother would let me bring ONE egg to carry all night and at the end of the night i could hurl it like the big kids. My Mom believed in fairness- so she let me do so i could have my own mischief night (and i think she enjoyed it as well). At the time i remember how heavy that egg was, how much it weighed me down and when it was my chance to throw it- i threw it as far as i could and it probably landed maybe less than 6 feet in front of me on the sidewalk. Although my full intention was to splatter this egg on the sidewalk- i remember being disappointed at how heavy and hard it was to throw but satisfied by the splatter it made. For adults who dont have the time nor thought of halloween to buy a 99 cent bag of candy for the kids is not only wrong, it is foul. They deserve some 80s retribution. God only knows now in the police state 2011, some 14 year old kid who TP'ed a tree would sitting in jail next to another kid that stabbed a guy. You might be kind of shocked at the idea of the entire neighborhood of teenagers going ape shit throwing eggs and smashing pumpkins- but let me tell you from my memory it was naturally accepted and the next day people knew what to expect. You just hose off the mess and move on with November 1st, no complaints or harm done- possibly they did worse when they were younger. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

These are your typical kids costumes i found on google images. (boys costumes,all girls costumes are princesses etc)

I would like to make the point that dressing up is fun! Halloween is the time you get to put together an awesome costume and dress up! and YES being your character from your favorite movie is fun too- but lets remember what Halloween is! You are a ghoul terrorizing the neighborhood this night- not a walking commercial!! This picture seen above- NOTHING is scary! the only thing evil is Dr Doom and perhaps a pirate! A pirate is an oldschool Halloween costume and was a cool one- (remember there were no blockbuster movies about pirates until 2003 or whatever.)

So here is the problem, what do children do if they want to be a scary character from a movie but have no clue what the movie even is? We cant necessarily have a 5 year old watch a Friday the 13th movie... and it would be more for the parents amusement and the neighbors commentary on parenthood if we dressed up baby Justina like a favorite woman character from a horror movie:
Steven king's "Carrie" (awesome movie- not an awesome kids costume)

Horror movies have lent us classic evil characters of literature. They extend beyond the pagan ritual of monsters and ghouls- because they redefined fictional personifications of evil that contemporary society can admire. Freddy Krueger was a child molester that killed children with knives on his gloved fingers- he was tried in court but got off on a technicality. Then he was burned alive by mob rule. He captures kid's souls and tortures them hilariously and creatively in their sleep. He is an antagonist we all love to hate. Optimus Prime is NOT a Halloween costume. Some costumes can have a novelty that is too irresistible to say no to.- such as being a Ghostbuster. Why not? He is not evil but he busts ghosts; and ghosts are part of Halloween. Why bust ghosts? Because bustin makes you feel good!

I dont know why today's kids costumes have been emasculated. I was once scolded by a child that claimed "HALLOWEENS NOT SPOSED TO BE SCAARREEEEEYYY!!" and I say shut up little girl, you have no idea what youre little mouth is talking about. Furthermore, Halloween doesn't have to be expensive! Most of the cheap Chinese costumes that come in a bag were once someones idea they wore and it really went over well- then years later it trickled down to somebody who mass produced it and threw it in a bag for $39. Creating your own costume is fun and original! I think you can at the very least take a cheapo costume from the Halloween store and add to it. Take a basic inmate uniform... big fucking deal. But add a bald cap and weathered angry looking make up and you have Shocker!

But back to children. I dont expect children to know who the crypt keeper or Jason Vorhees is- but there are classic Universal monsters that ANY KID can watch and be for Halloween! Wolfman, Dracula, Frankenstein, invisible man, Dr Jekyl/ Mr Hyde, wife of Frankenstein, creature of the black lagoon, The Mummy, Phantom of the opera ETC ETC ETC All these classics are not only fun to watch- but perfectly acceptable for Halloween costumes!
The whole gang is here!

Back to my point, when thinking of Halloween- its whatever you want to do with it. I am a firm believer that scarey is FUN and it is the only time you get to do it. Dress up parties on new years or during the year are cool BUT it is no place for Leatherface- so take advantage of halloween's nature. Here is a list of classic- VERY EASY costume ideas that involve little more than facepaint or a mask and some accessories:. Werewolf, Vampire, Ghost, Mummy, Devil, Zombie, Monster, witch and my favorite- a Skeleton (throw a top hat on it!). For girls they can be a bride of Frankenstein's monster, a witch, black cat, evil jackolantern (weak!) Evil queen AND OR all the things i mentioned a guy can be!! Isnt that cool?

SO good luck, have fun and remember the essence of halloween!!! Dont make the mistake of boring your kids to a gruesome death!
not scary/retarded
VS. scary! (mildly)

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Down on UP

I hate when people tell me their favorite movie is UP- and the moment when I grimace in disapproval they have the balls to ask me why? I answer

"Because the entire beginning is a story of someones one and only life-mate; and her longing for children. One day his wife DIES and they never have kids and his life is a miserable and bitter reminder of that emptiness... ENTER MOVIE"

oh happy day! all the balloons and cutesy jokes in the world wont wash that out.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Happy Columbus day!

Yo Chris! I'm really happy for you and I'mma let you finish- but Amerigo Vespucci really had the best voyage of all time

Sunday, October 9, 2011


FUCK these ridiculous Captcha systems sometimes are so hard to read- how could any automated spam software even have the ability to crack it if i cant even do it! Ease up on the CAPTCHA!!

Friday, October 7, 2011


After 160 years of the post office has been around and i laugh every time i still lick an envelope. There is no serious way to do this

Monday, October 3, 2011

Its NERF or nothing!

So the other day i was reading about a guy who modified his Nerf guns and i decided that maybe i should have my try at it. I searched craigslist and saw an add selling 3 Nerf guns for $30... I sent an email back and forth attempting a fair negotiation for the weaponry, and for some reason i never got a finished response. This was my conversation:

Eric: I'll give you $15 cash for them

Rosy Garcia: My 11 year old is selling them. He would really like $30. He is trying to save up for something. Let me know. Thanks

Eric: Please explain to your son that although the Nerf guns may be in excellent condition, its market retail value has been thoroughly depreciated after it has been opened and played with. Thus is the mistake in investing into something of that nature which loses its value as soon as it is opened. Let me suggest that perhaps this $15 can go toward something more constructive and enjoyable such as a coin collection. Also let us not forget the value of hard honest labor to achieve one's goals- IE Car washes, paper routes, delivery services etc.

Let me know his thoughts, thank you

she did not dignify the human man child with a response.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Killer Cantaloupe

So i drove to Publix tonight with the sole purpose of buying cantaloupe; when i got a call informing me of 13 deaths this month by cantaloupe. WHAT THE FUCK!

Wait until i start growing my own fruit... Then i'll be the one handling ALL the melons...

Until then- Watermelon tonight!

Tainted cantaloupe kills 13, sickens 72 in 18 states

Saturday, September 17, 2011

The Art Of Texting

The other night at 2:45am i got a call from a girl that was a friend of a friend of mine a year ago. I didnt recognize the name at the time but deducted who it was later and texted her back to ask why she called me in the middle of the night? Mind you i havent talked to this girl in over a year. I texted her asking her if she meant to drunk dial me- and she starts telling me this story about waiting on my porch (i dont have one) and ringing my door bell (i dont have one either) and waiting outside with Mike (who?) till 5am. YES, well if you know anything about me- you'll know instantly that now i come alive. Here is our conversation WORD for WORD:

Me, Her


Did you drunk dial me last night? Lol

lol. No. I Didn't want mike driving home and he said he was going to stay at your place, so i wanted to make sure he made it. We got to your place and rang the doorbell and called... i didnt want to leave him so we hung out on your porch for a while then slept in the grass for a bit.

Oh im so sorry! Next time pound the door. If i knew i would of given you guys my matress

haha...aww you're sweet. I just felt bad leaving him to sleep in his car, but i don't think he minded or even noticed :-)

Aww that is so thoughtful of you to stay with him. I never heard the doorbell I was in the bathroom all night with a terrible stomach virus

lol. omg. are you okay today?

We saw the light on for awhile. But figured u were in the shower or had a girl over :-) I stayed with him until almost 5am but couldn't fall asleep in the car!

Well I hope you are all better....

Oh my god it was awful. I had a girl in my bed waiting for me for 45 minutes and I was on the toilet having the worst diarrhea of my life!

hahahahahahaha, Thats awful!!! Sorry to laugh at your expense, but its gonna be one of those things you will laugh at later. Sort of sounds like a nightmare!

Well I hope, for both of your sake, that you ended up feeling better and at least got to seal the deal in the morning :)

A nightmare was when i was fucking her and some squirted out. We got in an argument because I tried to blame her for it. I dont think she'll call me again

You have GOT to be kidding!!

Im dead serious.

I haven't laughed this hard in awhile!

Please tell me the last part is made up

You can't make this shit up.

I haven't laughed this hard in awhile!

hahahaha...Sounds like a movie!

So embarrassing. Im doing my laundry as we speak

Wat did she think you were doing in the bathroom that whole time? ?

And no, i don't think you are going to hear from her

She thought i was sick but when the smell krept outI assume it was self explanatory

I know its too late now, but maybe next time you are n that situation (hopefully never!), tell the girl ur not feeling well and wait for the morning! Lmfao

Nothing will stop me from getting booty

Well it makes for a great story. I laughed so I hard I cried

Shut the fuck up!!! Omg! Please stop making me laugh so hard! It hurts. My whole body hurts after last night. Me and Mike took the liberty of getting freaky at your front door. Lol

Last night was a shit show for everyone. Especially for you!!! No pun intended! hahahahaha... Shout it out!
If it happend to you, would you still call me back?
Well i typically don't have sex w someone until i get to know theym pretty well and get comfortable w them. So in that case, I might be able to understand that the guy was embarrassed and didnt know how to cover it up lol. But i think I may be scarred! haha

I don't know her. If it was a new chick- I def wouldn't count on hearing back from her unless u apologized for accusing her... But thats too much work and would YOU really want to see her after that? Lol.

What if you were at a girls house and she shit herself while you were fucking?? I dont think you would ever call!! Omg. I can't stop crying from laughing so hard

Yeah I suppose you're right... But if it were me I would finish no matter what.

Omg. You are too funny.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Shopping online!

I find myself looking at strange sales items on both Amazon and Ebay, here is some from my summer's afternoon shopping. Some real winners here:

Can the Aqua-Zooka photographers be any less ambiguous?

Sunday, August 21, 2011

"Well it doesn't have your name on it!"

remember when we were young and somebody took something and proclaimed there own only because " it doesnt have your name on it!"? Historically it is a well known fact, even for little children, it is not truly yours until it has your name on it. I rest my case your honor.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Well I never!

It would appear Mrs Remingon has some complaints about the graffiti on one of the post boxes in the Island of Palm Beach. lmao without me even lifting a finger, somebody tells off this old bag in a way shes never had before in her life to virtually "shove it". I wish i could of seen her face when she read this. Ladies and gentlemen.... THE INTERNET:

Why can’t town remove graffiti from postal boxes?

I live at Villa Las Aldea. My comment I’d like for you to publish below: Is the Town of Palm Beach financially too short that we may need a federal grant to hire a graffiti removal agency?

For over three months, purple graffiti has relished in town like a weed on blue U.S. Post boxes. The box on the corner of Royal Palm Way/Cocoanut Row is home to lively four-month-old purple graffiti.

This eyesore does not belong on federal government property ... or near my home.

I have an open question for our elected town officials: Why is graffiti on the island’s blue U.S. Post boxes and moreover, when will the graffiti be removed?


Palm Beach

The Responses:

If it bothers you so much - buy for 4.99 a spray can and paint over it. Stop whining and take care of it yourself.

Carl, people like you don't live on the island, why you think your opinion matters is beyond reason. A palm beacher would never and I quote you "take a can of spray paint" to cover it up. Criminal minded animals like yourself are the reason we have so many problems in society.
r remington

You sound like a bitter, drunk, spoiled, self entitled heiress complaining. Stop pointing fingers and look at your own contribution to this. Graffiti often has a reputation as part of a subculture that rebels against authority, although the considerations of the practitioners often diverge and can relate to a wide range of attitudes. So some expressive passionate citizens are a bit rebellious and have contentious relationships with authority, Try understanding and be compassionate.

I agree with both Karl and Lexington; it is a simple problem and solution. If you expect the government to nanny you hand and foot for your every petty need; then you will be complaining the rest of your life. There are many other serious tragedies in line they have to deal with every day first; such as rogue gum spitting, dog waste removal and taking cats out of trees.

The Palm Beach Daily News

Saturday, August 13, 2011

I graduated!

...and only 4 months later i get my graduation papers. I did it, i graduated the school for gentlemen with flying colors!

"Freedom is not worth having if it does not connote freedom to err."
-Mohandas Gandhi

Monday, August 8, 2011

Fun facts about Rats!

Did you know?

The two official correct terms for baby rats are "pups" which is commonly used in the American Rat Fancy or "kittens" which is more commonly used in the UK and Australian Rat Fancies. A male rat is called a buck. A female is called a doe, or sometimes a queen. A newborn baby with no hair, until their eyes open, is called a pinky. A baby whose eyes are open, up to 8 weeks of age, is called a pup, or kitten. A group of rats is popularly referred to as "a mischief of rats."

Thursday, July 21, 2011


"waste not, want not"

Living in consumerism means buying inferior products, breaking them, and rebuying crap over and over again. Well not me; i use something until it explodes. My blender has been flying off the hinges and now every inch of it is held together by a forcefield of Gorilla glue. THANK YOU Gorilla glue! Now if only i can find this here leak in the ship

PS- I'm nasty

*UPDATE* exactly one year later and it is still fully in use! I replaced the blade which finally flew apart and it works like a charm! Now i can actually use it to blend items (instead of barely stirring them for me.) I use it more than twice a day #smoothieking

For real G'z only

The other day i was having a conversation and all of a sudden i got this weird prompt in the middle of my G-chat. THIS CHAT IS OFF THE RECORD. They dont call it G-Mail for nothing.

And now a lesson in trickin' by some real mutha fuckin Gz

Monday, July 18, 2011

A public service announcement


so type in all capitals and let the world know when you mad

Big Brother is watching, yo!

Google+ the next big thing according to all the big things. All i see is another trendy way i can build content for free to make somebody else more of a billionaire. Or maybe its the perfect thing for some teenager enlisting into the world of information exploitation.

Who am i? Where do i live? What is my purchasing power? What do i like to shop for? Where did i go to school? A list of all my friends and family? What are my political motivations? Add a few hundred photos and you have yourself the perfect intimate Dossier that none of us would ever dream of giving away ten years ago! I remember when the idea of putting a picture of your face on the internet was unheard of- then just 5 years later at the apple store they banned mypsace from their computers because little girls were showing there tits and uploading it to their pages.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Keeping it real

I just wanted to take this moment to remind you all that sometimes; you got to keep it real.

Contemporary relationship statuses, now updated with facebook

I noticed today one of my friends had a new relationship status that i havent seen before. i didnt know facebook had all these contemporary relationship options like "is in an open relationship with blank". Do they have any other statuses for the modern couple like "is cheating on blank", "is usurping blank", "is just sleeping with blank for revenge/money/career/boredom" or how many times have we seen this popular gem "is in love with blank, but blank doesnt know what blank really wants"

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Antarctic Flow

I don't know exactly what people can spend their money on in Antarctica but if you want to buy some ice; I also got this bridge I can sell you in Brooklyn

Sunday, July 10, 2011

The little things

it is so refreshing to know that wherever my friends go, they will always be reminded of me.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Sunday, June 26, 2011


I'll be pissing on your grave you greedy pieces of shit. If i think of all the money i have spent on you all these years, now i stand before you- a beaten dog. All your locations are closing because you couldnt keep up with the times and people were sick of you muscling them around like you were the only game in town- and for a while you were. You murdered so many neighborhood video stores- but you almost choked on your own fat when you created BLOCKBUSTER MUSIC. Your ridiculous claims of "no more late fees" (but yeah late fees) almost fucked you. Netflix came around and launched a spear through your chest so you were forced at gunpoint to quit ripping people off. Then you tried again to be on top of the world until redbox knocked you down to size. So where are we now? Oh now redbox is only at Walmart and in every grocery store it has been replaced by a BLOCKBUSTER EXPRESS? ok whatever, fine. Its not as good as a selection but for .99 cents i'll deal with it and applaud you for becoming more humble- wait whats this? WHAT the FUCK!!! I just paid $2.99 for one night of True Grit because it is a new release?? You just got to have your way you piece of shit. Go ahead and choke on it you greedy mother fuckers, i'll be laughing my ass off when you implode.

RIP BLOCKBUSTER, your days are numbered.


Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Show some love

Who needs TV when we got each other. Show some love to your favorite non-appliance

Monday, June 6, 2011


Today, 67 years ago on June 6th 1944, we invaded the shores of Normandy and the world was changed forever. Today, June 6th 2011, I taught my father how to add an attachment to an email and the world was changed forever.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Happy Memorial Day!

Happy Memorial Day! Lets us take a moment to reflect and remember all our union boys that died, especially at Gettysburg

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Eric's 10 Year Highschool Reunion: CANCELED!

Everyone is entitled to their 10 year highschool reunion. It is a vital part of Americana that we were talking about even before we graduated. It is embedded into us at an early age through music, movies and folklore. A great way to connect with old friends, see who made it, who got married, who got fat etc. The results are always surprising and it is a great way to reflect on the simpler times of being a teenager.

One of the biggest personal peeves of mine is being left out of things that i feel entitled for. Nothing that hurt me growing up more than getting picked last on the kickball team or when somebody throws a party and invites the entire school except me etc. But here we are years later, semi adults and we learn to choose our own opportunities and embrace the rewards of acceptance from friends, loved ones and the life that we built for ourselves.

On television, movies and to my personal knowledge- the 10 year highschool reunion is sort of a big deal. Before the internet, there were companies that were hired to track people down for events and occasions such as this. Phone calls were made, formal invitations sent, some may picture a gymnasium with cheap party streamers and the highschol garage-band getting back together playing schmaltz in the background. Not anymore!

Enter Stefany Allongo- The marketing Genius that is in charge of assembling our 2001 highschool reunion. Does she do an internet search for the entire class of 2001? Does she use the internet as a easy resource to find everyone with plenty time in advance? Does she send leters, phonecalls, emails or make any effort to contact people? Does she search the DSOA alumni facebook page for users? NO. She creates a facebook event page and invites as many people as her adorable attention span can handle. THATS IT. Forgetting 2001's cast of most memorable characters- but most mentionable ME! What the FUCK. I first heard breath about it a few weeks ago from my friend Mike Guido, complaining about a reunion coming up costing $60!? So yesterday, i see on facebook on a friend status talking about carpooling to the reunion. I thought to myself "oh yeah! we must of graduated in or around May- maybe its this weekend!" Being that i still havent received the invite i wouldnt know. So there i am searching facebook- any word on the Official school's facebook page? Nope. How about the official 2001 school alumni page? Not there either... Finally my friend Mike sends me an invitation to the event. Mike isnt on the Alumni committee but he should be because he made a greater effort than Stefany Allongo. There it is, June 11th- celebrating a momentous milestone with a No Eric's Reunion party at The Living Room Boynton.

Apparently the reunion is smack dab in the middle of my trip to Texas. I remember looking on my calendar and making sure i wasnt going to miss any important events, birthdays etc in the month of June. Oh just my 10 year highschool reunion Stefany, i guess i can see you at the next one in 10 years, no big deal who cares. You miserable piece of SHIT. Your criminal negligence and laziness have robbed me of a great memory and experience. It might not mean a lot to some people- but that is easy for them to say because at least they can say they had a choice.

Let me say this, in addition to asking $60 to attend ones own 10 year reunion party; she also is trying to CRAM into the same weekend her other ventures to donate money to her various benefit societies. Normally a very noble cause Stefany, but cheapened by the idea of first expecting people to pay $60 for entry to their own reunion- then tacking on more money to your organizations. UNLIKE you, several people are married or in relationships- as Guido pointed out that means $120 now goes just to attend your own reunion. Being that this is an art school, the concept of "starving artist" obviously takes no meaning to someone who lives with and works for her parents- according to her bubbly biography on her website. Also let me point out that in 2008 the economy crashed and unemployment rates are higher now than ever. Some people lucky enough to have a job are struggling to keep their houses. No matter how much money you make, if you have kids then anybody would know how stiff a $120 investment is. These are all concepts alien to Stefany Allongo, who lives in a fantasy world, wiping her ass with all of her college degrees while helping sell an openly exposed scam juice like Monavie for her parents and "event planning" which she is so excellent at.

Now i know I dont have 3 college degrees- but let ME play the part of an event planner. I could conservatively say that HALF the graduating class of 237 people are married or in a serious relationship- so that means 118 significant others can be added to the guest list. 237 alumni+ 118 guests= 355 EASILY could be attending- lets be more conservative. Lets say 75 of those people and their significant others live outside the state and make it, that would means realistically well over 280 people can come to this event. Lets LOWBALL it even more- lets say 250 people show up and pay $25 bones- that means i have 7 thousand dollars to put on a serious party. Stefany you on the other hand out of 237 people have only 55 confirmed- that means you get a Failure grade of 23% of people going to your event. If i wasnt going to Texas, i would easily rent out a nice venue and fill the entire building up and charge less than $25 a head- covering food, drinks, decorations, rent, a DJ playing everything from 2001 and a photographer that goes around and takes photos. If i wasnt in Texas then you can put money on it that I would make this whole thing happen on the same night of June 11th.

Stefany this buds for you: for hurting me and taking away a memory from me that i have been looking forward to for a long time.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Surfing Madonna

Some of you may have heard about the "surfing Madonna" mosaic that was installed under a bridge in California. Since it was installed without permission the city is calling it graffiti and although they like it- they are considering it "graffiti" because it was installed without permission and they don't want to set the president that people should be installing beautiful works of artwork on public property for free... because... well... you just cant be doing those sort of things.

and my usual uplifting rebuttal:

"the problem is simple, let us destroy ALL artwork and there will be no problem. All you people that think art should be anywhere, artwork has always offended people (that is a fact) and should be done away with permanently. Look at all the money that is wasted on removing artwork? Think of all the people offended by it? Dont get me started on religion, that is next to go."

Saturday, May 21, 2011


So this is hell... Satan was a bit sloth so he just copied the earth exactly. Its going to be an awkward Sunday mass for Harold Camping... Can i get a Matthew 25:13? Amen Brother

And now back to our regularly scheduled apocalypse

Friday, May 20, 2011

Judgement Day... *Dramatic music*

so by the way, nobody freak out or anything but in case you didnt get the memo- tomorrow is judgment day. Any ideas on how to ring in the apocalypse?

I always wonder if these guys are sitting in their chair thinking either everybody will feel so dumb when it starts raining fire or how dumb they are going to feel when nothing happens. Its a 50/50 bobo chance

No regrets, Vaya con dios!!!

Government readiness

So the CDC.GOV has a plan just in case of a zombie apocalypse lmao

I find this absolutely ridiculous- because not once is there any mention of the essentials:

1) Boomstick
2) Assault Rifle
3) Chainsaw
4) Antiseptic (Machete)

on that note... some cool clips about Zombies

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Ding dong the which is dead!

why are people on facebook more critical of this ridiculous farce than the mainstream media? Shouldn't they be asking the hard questions or at least be skeptical? If i have to watch this government storyline- can I at least get something more dramatic than a burial at sea? This is the same country that brought you Transformers; i want a billion tax dollar black ops budget film drama that will make all the skeptics they created into flag waving patriots feeling so stupid they ever doubted the government.


Monday, May 2, 2011

Cut and Collect

This isnt my original idea- i first saw this as a gag online in a photo. So i recreated the file and thought it would be funny to bring some levity to everyday life.

Thursday, April 21, 2011




I envisioned this very moment in my head a thousand times in the last 5 years until it finally came true; 5 minutes after stepping out of court

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Last day in chains...

In a few hours i will be having my final hearing in court. This is IT.... the moment ive waited for, for 6 years. Could this mean freedom? I am only optimistic at this point. Without getting too nostalgic the past 6 years there has not been one single day that has passed where i havent been reminded of my legal situation. I am not the kind of person to censor myself, my liberties or my abilities- but then here i am. I have been sick with apprehension to this final moment; as if the last 6 years all rolled into 3 weeks of standing on the head of a needle. I think back of all my experiences both negative and positive. One thing is for sure i live my life, maybe with an ounce of jealousy at times, but never a single moment of regret. I think of all the ways the legal system, the sheriffs office, judges, lawyers, corrections officers have made my life hell but it pales in comparison as to how it has hurt my family watching me helpless as i suffer. Nobody will ever understand my torture except my closest friends and family, because observed it first hand. Lucky enough the last few years i have been living alone and can hide them from the burden; but colorful little reminders around every corner always popping their head up without fail. I abstain from expectation; i am confident and optimistic about tomorrow and about moving in a new and uplifting direction- living my life again.

I leave you on a personal note of a single moment written down on the back of my restitution payment from December. I have made a smiley face on the back of every $200 monthly payment traditionally for 5 years up until this very letter. I am curious about the person who works in the mail room in Tallahassee who has to collect dozens of restitution payments. What thoughts they had seeing mine every month?

This may surely be my last letter written in captivity.

Monday, April 18, 2011

X-wing VS Thai Food

So i heard a rumor that Lucas Arts would finally be releasing a new X-Wing VS Tie Fighter game. I looked all over the internet and found the root of the rumor which came from a convention in 2009... since then i couldn't verify anything- but then i got a lead on the Lucas Arts forum. Somebody like me was curious and posted the question- and somebody less than optimistic shot it down... in a fit of internet rage i registered to the forum and posted my angry rant

Originally Posted by K_Kinnison View Post
I don't think Lucasarts cares about the PC market anymore when they can produce console games that sell well. The effort that goes into making PC games these days.. and having to make it compatible with so many different systems scares most suits.

If there was ever to be an "X-wing" game that would work it would have to be hand in hand with the clone wars series that will be coming out. It also would have to have multi player and co-op support for a large campaign. XWA was set up for Co-op but TG never really had the time to fully implement it.. and the horrid net code practically killed any real Multiplayer chance

No I highly doubt Lucasarts would ever make another X-wing series game, and even if they did it wouldn't be anything near to something that was decent... they are most concerned about deadlines then about gameplay

this is retarded, how can they make a game over 10 years ago with NO problems- but NOW its too hard. A TON of starwars nerds out there love the series, and even if Lucas Arts rehashed it with the same shitty engine with new textures and a few new ships from the new movies people would still buy it JUST because you would be able to play online. Isn't there a single out of work game programmer in this economy that can rehash it up and just release it.

i mean come on, people we are tricking out their computers to run DOS for crying out loud- JUST to play this thing. Cant they just get a temp to throw together a shitty rehash? I would pay money for that if it means we can all play again!

In a desperate search to confirm a rumor i found this page and signed up just so i can vent. If hey dont want to make another Xwing VS tiefighter game then Lucas himself and shove a double ended Darth Maul Light-saber up his ass sideways and turn it on."