Sunday, October 30, 2011

Extreme Punctuation

I think sometimes i am guilty of using liberal amounts of exclamations, but not when its grammatically necessary! sometimes i'll make a point, but to emphasize it on an upbeat i'll use an exclamation!! Just one exclamation for a normal sentence aint so bad- But then at the end of the paragraph i throw 2 or 3 more to know i'm ending my point in a fit of screaming rage!!! and if i don't know something, i tack on a few hundred question marks to let the world be as confused as i am???? Then when the shit hits the fan i TYPE IN ALL CAPS AND SCREAM AT TOP OF MY LUNGS, USING BOLD IF AVAILABLE, UNTIL I THROW EVERY FORM OF PUNCTUALITY AT THE END OF MY SENTENCES!!! WHERE DID I LEARN HOW TO TYPE, LOONEY TUNES SCHOOL??!!!????!!!?!?!?!?



Friday, October 21, 2011

Not Scary VS. Scary!

I was asked today about what i thought was a good kids Halloween costume- and first I wanted to address fundamentally what Halloween IS and what it is NOT- especially when it applies to children.

What is Halloween? Traditionally, when i think of Halloween, try keep in mind this is a pagan holiday in its roots and it is a very mischievous holiday. We don't chant the words "TRICK OR TREAT" because we want candy- it is a barter. It means i am a GHOUL coming to your door- you give me an offering and i will spare you... if you do not agree then may God have mercy on your soul. During the 80s, when i was a kid this was a VERY serous holiday- earlier in the night was for the kids but around 9pm the big kids (teenagers) were ALL OVER the place egging houses, shaving cream everywhere, toilet paper blowing through the trees. THIS was mischief! I COULD NOT WAIT to be a big kid! I NEVER forget, my Mother would let me bring ONE egg to carry all night and at the end of the night i could hurl it like the big kids. My Mom believed in fairness- so she let me do so i could have my own mischief night (and i think she enjoyed it as well). At the time i remember how heavy that egg was, how much it weighed me down and when it was my chance to throw it- i threw it as far as i could and it probably landed maybe less than 6 feet in front of me on the sidewalk. Although my full intention was to splatter this egg on the sidewalk- i remember being disappointed at how heavy and hard it was to throw but satisfied by the splatter it made. For adults who dont have the time nor thought of halloween to buy a 99 cent bag of candy for the kids is not only wrong, it is foul. They deserve some 80s retribution. God only knows now in the police state 2011, some 14 year old kid who TP'ed a tree would sitting in jail next to another kid that stabbed a guy. You might be kind of shocked at the idea of the entire neighborhood of teenagers going ape shit throwing eggs and smashing pumpkins- but let me tell you from my memory it was naturally accepted and the next day people knew what to expect. You just hose off the mess and move on with November 1st, no complaints or harm done- possibly they did worse when they were younger. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

These are your typical kids costumes i found on google images. (boys costumes,all girls costumes are princesses etc)

I would like to make the point that dressing up is fun! Halloween is the time you get to put together an awesome costume and dress up! and YES being your character from your favorite movie is fun too- but lets remember what Halloween is! You are a ghoul terrorizing the neighborhood this night- not a walking commercial!! This picture seen above- NOTHING is scary! the only thing evil is Dr Doom and perhaps a pirate! A pirate is an oldschool Halloween costume and was a cool one- (remember there were no blockbuster movies about pirates until 2003 or whatever.)

So here is the problem, what do children do if they want to be a scary character from a movie but have no clue what the movie even is? We cant necessarily have a 5 year old watch a Friday the 13th movie... and it would be more for the parents amusement and the neighbors commentary on parenthood if we dressed up baby Justina like a favorite woman character from a horror movie:
Steven king's "Carrie" (awesome movie- not an awesome kids costume)

Horror movies have lent us classic evil characters of literature. They extend beyond the pagan ritual of monsters and ghouls- because they redefined fictional personifications of evil that contemporary society can admire. Freddy Krueger was a child molester that killed children with knives on his gloved fingers- he was tried in court but got off on a technicality. Then he was burned alive by mob rule. He captures kid's souls and tortures them hilariously and creatively in their sleep. He is an antagonist we all love to hate. Optimus Prime is NOT a Halloween costume. Some costumes can have a novelty that is too irresistible to say no to.- such as being a Ghostbuster. Why not? He is not evil but he busts ghosts; and ghosts are part of Halloween. Why bust ghosts? Because bustin makes you feel good!

I dont know why today's kids costumes have been emasculated. I was once scolded by a child that claimed "HALLOWEENS NOT SPOSED TO BE SCAARREEEEEYYY!!" and I say shut up little girl, you have no idea what youre little mouth is talking about. Furthermore, Halloween doesn't have to be expensive! Most of the cheap Chinese costumes that come in a bag were once someones idea they wore and it really went over well- then years later it trickled down to somebody who mass produced it and threw it in a bag for $39. Creating your own costume is fun and original! I think you can at the very least take a cheapo costume from the Halloween store and add to it. Take a basic inmate uniform... big fucking deal. But add a bald cap and weathered angry looking make up and you have Shocker!

But back to children. I dont expect children to know who the crypt keeper or Jason Vorhees is- but there are classic Universal monsters that ANY KID can watch and be for Halloween! Wolfman, Dracula, Frankenstein, invisible man, Dr Jekyl/ Mr Hyde, wife of Frankenstein, creature of the black lagoon, The Mummy, Phantom of the opera ETC ETC ETC All these classics are not only fun to watch- but perfectly acceptable for Halloween costumes!
The whole gang is here!

Back to my point, when thinking of Halloween- its whatever you want to do with it. I am a firm believer that scarey is FUN and it is the only time you get to do it. Dress up parties on new years or during the year are cool BUT it is no place for Leatherface- so take advantage of halloween's nature. Here is a list of classic- VERY EASY costume ideas that involve little more than facepaint or a mask and some accessories:. Werewolf, Vampire, Ghost, Mummy, Devil, Zombie, Monster, witch and my favorite- a Skeleton (throw a top hat on it!). For girls they can be a bride of Frankenstein's monster, a witch, black cat, evil jackolantern (weak!) Evil queen AND OR all the things i mentioned a guy can be!! Isnt that cool?

SO good luck, have fun and remember the essence of halloween!!! Dont make the mistake of boring your kids to a gruesome death!
not scary/retarded
VS. scary! (mildly)

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Down on UP

I hate when people tell me their favorite movie is UP- and the moment when I grimace in disapproval they have the balls to ask me why? I answer

"Because the entire beginning is a story of someones one and only life-mate; and her longing for children. One day his wife DIES and they never have kids and his life is a miserable and bitter reminder of that emptiness... ENTER MOVIE"

oh happy day! all the balloons and cutesy jokes in the world wont wash that out.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Happy Columbus day!

Yo Chris! I'm really happy for you and I'mma let you finish- but Amerigo Vespucci really had the best voyage of all time

Sunday, October 9, 2011


FUCK these ridiculous Captcha systems sometimes are so hard to read- how could any automated spam software even have the ability to crack it if i cant even do it! Ease up on the CAPTCHA!!

Friday, October 7, 2011


After 160 years of the post office has been around and i laugh every time i still lick an envelope. There is no serious way to do this

Monday, October 3, 2011

Its NERF or nothing!

So the other day i was reading about a guy who modified his Nerf guns and i decided that maybe i should have my try at it. I searched craigslist and saw an add selling 3 Nerf guns for $30... I sent an email back and forth attempting a fair negotiation for the weaponry, and for some reason i never got a finished response. This was my conversation:

Eric: I'll give you $15 cash for them

Rosy Garcia: My 11 year old is selling them. He would really like $30. He is trying to save up for something. Let me know. Thanks

Eric: Please explain to your son that although the Nerf guns may be in excellent condition, its market retail value has been thoroughly depreciated after it has been opened and played with. Thus is the mistake in investing into something of that nature which loses its value as soon as it is opened. Let me suggest that perhaps this $15 can go toward something more constructive and enjoyable such as a coin collection. Also let us not forget the value of hard honest labor to achieve one's goals- IE Car washes, paper routes, delivery services etc.

Let me know his thoughts, thank you

she did not dignify the human man child with a response.