Saturday, June 22, 2013

50 Upcoming Movie Remakes and my commentary

Recently, i read an article about 50 up coming movie remakes. Many of you share my same hatred toward rehashed unoriginal movie remakes; but on rare occasion i understand that after a certain amount of time goes by, that it is actually possible to achieve a great new rendition of an old story. Because of technology or financial limitations, some movies really do deserve to have a second look at. Some of my favorite movies are actually remakes of original movies made decades before. If a studio really wants to save money and make money at the box office- just re release the classic in theater.  Some films would better off be revisited wit its hat tipped to the original, but blur the lines of a remake. Some films story and characters are so original, that they should never be touched. The there are some movies where it begs the question- who fucking cares? But dont get your hopes up, in most cases- its CRAP! 

50 Upcoming Movie Remakes And My Personal Commentary:

Dredd- You know i havent seen this new one but surprisingly ive heard good things. The old one was a guilty pleasure of mine, it was a very hoaky scifi action movie based loosely about the comic book. It starred Stalone and Rob Snider- need i say more? Taking this one serious might have been a great idea and full respect to the genre.

Red Dawn- Ive watched both, and the original was bordering on lame but had its place in history as a cult classic. The entire premise revolves around if Russians landed on American soil- and drives the point that right winged, pro 2nd ammendment supports make is that if boots were on the soil- americans would take arms against them. In this case it was highschool kids- GO WOLVERINES! The new one is absolutely SHIT. It is 100% unrealistic, nonsensical and worst of all was supposed to involve China- but being that China has its finger in everything the US does- they did not approve. So even more ignorant and completely ridiculous is North Korea. lmao this remake was absolute poopoo.

Carrie- This one is a CLASSIC. It had a sequel i didnt see a few years back, but perhaps its been long enough where if done delicately can pay homage to the original story.

Evil Dead- we are treading on very sacred grounds here, i of al people was the most skeptical about not touching this. I would have much rather seen an Evil Dead 4 before seeing a remake of my one of my favorite movies. HOWEVER i was pleasantly surprised. It took a very serious, big budget horror approach to the movie and tipped its hat to the original. I can actually give it a thumbs up!

Robocop- Fuck you, dont touch this, go to hell. This was such a classic, anything less than ground breakng would just be a rehash. The photos leaked have already ruined the film! He looks like a batman action figure!  The original one was made 30 years ago and more realistic than this!  Here is an universal idea about remakes- just remake them with the same idea but change the name of the movie and the characters; then watch! Without riding the coat tails to rake in a few pennies, you might get better responses- some people might even say they love it because it reminds them of the other story of identical nature.

All Quiet on the Western Front- This i can say without a doubt needs to be remade. a VERY powerful film made in the 1930s about antiwar. It holds up to today, sadly not much as changed. Modern warfare is different and if this film wasnt adulterated by the government as some propaganda machine- and stayed true to its original "war is senseless death" motif then it would be perfect. But when was the last time you saw an anti war movie during times of war?

Annie- Musicals can really get away with remakes. Much like a play, if its not good nobody will remember it. This in particular is such a classic story, nobody will be dancing on Shirley Temple's grave either way.

A Star is Born- Forgive me i havent seen this musical, but same principles apply.

Mad Max: Fury Road- Im confused, is this a remake or a revisitation? If its in the same universe but a new chapter- i am totally cool with that! It would be even cool to see Mel Gibson make a cameo or something; but something tells me hollywood isnt forgivable as i am. I am in love with the characters of modern literature, i can really give a damn about their bizarre personal lives.

Oldboy- Any foreign horror movies i welcome to be remade. No subtitles, better actors and higher budgets are good- just as long as we keep the same sense of horror and suspense- thats a instant success! haha at the US always outsourcing to the asian market, when its out of good ideas.

Pet Sematary- You know i loved the original, but the characters werent as memorable as the story, this could use a remake with no qualms from me.

Point Break- This was a cheasy movie made in the height of Keanu Reeves career. It was propably one of th ebiggest block buster movies of the year, but seriously who cares? A remake is just a pathetic excuse to re use a story and cash in; later to fall into the $5 bin at walmart.

The Crow- This was really a classic and has a very strong cult following. Despite problems with production, Brandon Lee died from a curse during the making of this movie; perhaps we should just leave it be.

The Orphanage- This was an excellent horror movie i hear! Spanish horror is new to me, but as i said take any international horror movie and go ahead and Americanize it with the same TLC as the original and im ok with it!

An American Werewolf in London- The original was SUCH a classic! They came out with a sequel "An American werewolf in Paris" that came out to shit reviews in the late 90s. What does this tell you? Dont fuck with it!!! The idea was there- lets make a sequal ten years later along the same lines but somewhere else; they tread on sacred ground and failed. Learn from their mistakes.

Barbarella- I cant say im big on 60s french-italian scifi, but its been a while so why not. If it has that big of a following and they do it right, maybe it could use a facelift? i never saw the original, just promise me it wont be as retarded as the "Lost in Space" abomination.

Childs Play-  You know you can remake any monster movie where the antagonist wheres a mask, but when he doesnt like in the case of Freddy Krueger- it fails miserably. Childs play is a movie about Chuckie, since there is no actor; you can make a remake and use the same doll even ten years later- like they did with Bride of Chuckie- and it still did well! The problem is the story is beat with a stick. Theres only so many interesting ways you can get a doll to kill you. If they are thinking about revisiting the original story to give it new life- then walk cautiously. If this is some hollywood nobody's chance at making a pathetic franchise to cash in- then FUCK you sir.

Death Note- Japanese manga wants to make it as an American movie? be my guest, i dont know anything about it. But like anything, if you are going to do it, just do it right- dont leave the fans hanging for a buck.

Dirty Dancing- lmao girls everywhere are literally gathering with pitchforks. I have no opinion about this movie, because i have avoided it and many other chick flicks like the plague. But i say this far too often, why not just make a similar movie and give it a new title and characters? You'll get the same audience as well as the old one. This is why people like watching fan films, but the moment you screw with their universe you are shooting yourself in the foot.

Drop Dead Fred- So random. I mean sure go ahead but... why?

Fletch won- The name of this movie sounds like a sequel, not a remake! Something ive been looking forward to for a long time. Ryan Renolds and Jason Lee both have a very Chevy Chase humor and can definitely play the role of his son. You can even have the original Fletch make an appearance, to tip the proverbial hat and show us a few physical jokes to prove hes still got it!

Starship Troopers- lmao why. They made a sequel or 2 didnt they? Paul Verhoeven tried, ambitious but it was scifi crap even back then- why not just release another direct to dvd instead of rehashing this story over again? If you are so eager to make a space army movie killing aliens- save your money and make a Halo movie instead.

The Never Ending Story- Die a slow death, go to hell, be reincarnated and die again.

The Seven Samurai- I would love to see this movie be remade. Many movies made in the 1950s can probably use a facelift- just as long as it relies on the same aspects the original did to be successful.

War Games- This really is a classic, and now a computer nerds throwback movie. Watching how we connected to each other back then pre internet is a spectacle in itself. But to remake this movie? I can see the government propaganda movie now, hacker kid uses internet to hack the government in an  "Eagle Eye" sort of nonsensical action movie. If they did it CORRECTLY, which i dont have faith they will, then it can have possibilities.

Time Bandits- Why. Why you fuckers why. DIE DIE DIE

Akira- This is one of the biggest cult anime movies. It is bad ass, but would the story have a strong enough plot to make into a live action modern day scifi? Hey im not going to say no- its your money! No matter how bad they butcher it, the original is immune to it. lol anime's are a different breed of film, so they cant get contaminated.

About Last Night- I have no opinion, but i warn you to know your market. Estrogen is a powerful thing and it could scold you if you disturb it.

American Psycho- This moviee was barely made a decade ago- why would you fuck it up? Leave it alone, what did it ever do to you? this does not need to be remade. Take the idea and make a new story, make new characters- do something barely original and maybe you'll have a chance!

The Birds- This was a hitchcock masterpiece- who ever does it has MASSIVE shoes to fill. The remake of Psycho, frame for frame, received bitter reviews. Does it have the possibility to be good? Maybe but god bless whoever wants to touch this one, if you fuck up- be prepared to be filming hotdog commercials for youtube the rest of your career.

Commando- I can say NO but then again... Remakes dont always have to be remakes. Puting a modern spin on the old story is possible, even throw Arnold in there as some old general. Maybe even no Arnie but a refference to him; just to tip the hat! YOU GOT TO TIP THE HAT!!! Just please dont dance on the grave of the original to hash a quick buck. There are people starving in Africa that would much rather appreciate 50 million dollars.

Creature from the Black Lagoon- This is a classic monster movie that i have been saying needs a remake. The original was just a guy in a suite filmed in black and white! As long as you make a very memorable character our of him; and not an animated CGI goobly slasher fish that picks people off- then we could have a winner. Then this opens the door to remaking other classic universal monster movies!  Then we'll talk about the remake of Monster Squad...

Death Wish- This is a perfect example of a remake i spoke about. It was called "The Brave One". Jodie Foster is essentially Bronson, except a modern twist and its a woman in power. Same exact story, even some of the scenes are the same- but different name. Did you see me complain? hell no awesome movie! Making a new Deathwish just sounds like a movie to piss off liberals; which is exactly what the original did lmao.

Escape from New York- The original was such a cult classic, one of Kurt Russels only good films! Are you really going to take that from him? Why not just invest the money into making some random futuristic prison break movie and calling it a day without punching John Carpenter in the balls.

Heavy Metal- To make this classic into a live animation? Im listening.

Highlander- Holy shit this is a classic work of modern literature with a fan base that matches Doctor Who and Star Wars, are you serious??? You are playing with fire!!! There is already such a huge universe, why not just make a new one with a new character? Even throw in an old Christopher Lambert for reference?

House Party- hahahaha go for it. It will be sad to see where hiphop has gone in the last 30 years, but it will be funnier seeing it 30 years from now again.

Lethal Weapon- Mel Gibson was on TOP of hollywood during those days. Now anything having to do with him is a curse, if somebody wants to fill him and Danny Glover's shoes go ahead and accept that- because they were getting too old for that shit by the last one they made anyway.

Little shop of Horrors- This was a favorite for me when i was a little kid! Rick Moranis did an awesome job, the only thing i knew him from was Ghost Busters so i thought essentially it was the same character on his down time haha. This movie is a remake in itself and a musical- so by all means; the show must go on!

My Fair Lady- Havent seen it, but we already know musical theater gets my green light. go for it, doesnt phase me.

Overboard- You know Kurt Russel only has made less than a handful of good movies. first you want to take away Escape from New York- now this? Leave it be.

Porkys- Like American Pie, teenage sex romp movies are perverted ways to make money- essentially your making hollywood softcore child porn for money- but think of all the lucky highschool guys who got their 14 year old girlfriend to take off their shirt! who cares., i wont be seeing it.

Romancing the stone- They dont make Adventure movies like they did in the 1980s, i dont think they could even if they wanted to.

Scarface- Scareface was an awesome period piece that didnt seem to reach enormous popularity as it did in the middle of the 2000s for some reason. It was the 1980s and it suspends the spectacle of that time forever. But the drug war is really in its last rung, can we make a movie about drug dealers in 2013? its running thin, how about a realistic film about Mexican drug lords who cut off heads of journalists and innocent people in border towns? too soon?

Short Circuit- This was my absolute favorite movie when i was a kid! upon rewatching it in my teenage years, i absolutely shudder at how bad it is. Never the less, i still have strong feelings for the character and to remake it would be acceptable just as long as the character is still as lovable as the original.

The Bodyguard- Dont see a point of remaking this?

Phantom Tollbooth- This is an old trippy animation; I have no idea how they will start to make this one, but be my guest.

The Warriors- This would have been a great movie to remake in the nasty 90s when gangs were huge and diverse. the 2000s has really just melted down the general prison culture and drug war into the streets and has made pretty boring subject matter. Unique individual gangs that haad a turf and extorted money from shop keepers, occupied abandoned buildings and spray painted their logos while rumbling with other gangs is a thing of the past. Pipes, chains and brass knuckles have been replaced with machine guns, extortion has been replaced with selling pills and turf has been replaced with section 8 housing and food stamps. I would love to see an authentic update, but what would it be about? The video game released for the xbox was good enough for me.

The Wild Bunch- Westerns are a hard market, they were big back then but can make a come back. if you think you can get an all star cast to relive those days, make it happen.

West World- This was an awesome movie back then, and can really deserve a face lift! lets make this one happen!

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