Happy Halloween friends! Yes its officially that time of
year again, you all have the same question in the back of your mind... Did Eric
go this year?? Let me take a load off your shoulders and say YES! I wanted to
write about last years holiday celebration, but I had so much going on right
after with day of the dead and business was so slammed- i didnt have the time
to fully give the essay the love and respect it needed.
Starting off with a brief summary of last year 2015, I have to say it was one of my favorite years going out- this time because my at the time girlfriend wanted to come with me and see what this was all about. I have to give her a bit of credit for going through with this, but this is just what fun people do. I dont have to remind all of you with kids who call me up and tell me what they have been missing out on all these years. Although I don’t have a kid to hold Halloween hostage, you know I dont need one and do this for the soul fundamental spirit of the holiday. I had my traditional 21 year old robe and mask and my gf had a pretty scandalous red outfit with light up devil horns and a cool red sugarskull mask I made years ago. Lord only knows how she could see out of that thing, but I have to say doing this with a friend is a lot less business and a lot more fun. Halloween I maintain is better with friends, just as long as they can keep up. The two of us worked well and slammed every house in my neighborhood in the appropriate hour time as usual. The good part about bringing a significant other is you BOTH share in the combined allotment of candy! And holy shit what a bountiful booty it was, there was a giant pile of candy on the floor of my room and slowly the pile shrank over the next month… lmao by The end of November it was looking a little bit thin. We are both tall people so it was double the amount of confusion for most of the neighborhood, but for some reason when two people do it- people tend to not question it, especially if there is a girl with you. I showed her all my tricks of the trade, like making them dish out the candy in your bag; I find people to be more generous than I would ever be socially humble with the amount of candy you can get. We saw my old neighbors, gave them hugs and went right back to business as usual. In the end it was a blast, and more candy than I could ever expect rolling solo.
Me and my old girlfriend celebrate Halloween
Double the expected bounty
2015 organized accordingly
Bonus: This pile mysteriously shrank by November 24th
2016 was an interesting year, one that almost didn’t happen! I had to search for my old mask and robe, and found it in my old costume bin under all my heavy stacks of other bins. The mask has progressively been liquidating and melting, now more warped than ever, but still 80s level scary! Its funny to think how far we’ve come as levels of scary. Going to moonfest, you see pretty much your standard Spirit Halloween in a bag Chinese costume generics; and with kids its pretty much super heroes etc. Reminiscing on the 90s, Halloween was pretty much a wall of bad ass scary masks, a few cool props- and the rest was pretty much on you. I was working on a haunted house project at this millionaire’s house on palm beach all week, working this Egyptian Pyramid themed party. I was hired to paint the pyramid and help set up, and on Halloween I decided to help scare some of the kiddies. I wore my classic Halloween avatar, and being that this rubber skull creatures face is so familiar with me- I forget all the looks of fear and disgust people give me when I wore it. You really transform yourself when you completely cover your hear with a mask and body with a hooded robe. As per usual, ive adopted my black walking slippers, which really are perfect for creeping around and gripping the floor when moving quickly. I stuffed my face and then when the sun went down around 7, I believe it was time to finally get into character. Everyone else were dressed as mummy zombie types, one guy in a black morph suit- and their shtick was to stand still and BOO when you walk by. Ive Always wanted to do this sort of haunted house thing, so this was finally my time to shine. The pyramid I worked on had these flaps, so when I saw people gather in front of it through the slits, I would get really low and SPRING forward screaming WELCOME TO EGYPT!!! I had some kids paralyzed with fear, adults laughing, kids crying, girls shreaking, a few running down the streets with me chasing after them. Sometimes its fun to do what I call the double tap, when you find one that is a real screamer, you let her go a minute when shes in the fetal walking- and come right beside until your face is almost touching hers and she FREAKS haha. Then you have the “oh you aren’t scary” types- but all you need to do is a quick flinch, or a sharp noise from the opposite side and then its all over for them haha. Its SO dark and I can move so fast and silent in these shoes. Sometimes I would get so LOW and pounce one direction, then when they grimace, come around underneath the opposite side to meet them again lol. Several babies were traumatized crying, one getto black dude got scared and said he almost punched me in the face haha, one little kid instinctually swung his fist back to throw a punch in pure instinct, I stared and then he turned it into a daps haha cool kid. I used a lot of physical humor depending on what they looked like, or their costumes. I would say things like HEY POISON IVY, or HAVE SOME CANDY RED RIDING HOOD, this one little kid dressed up as Trump so I flung myself from the dark corner and came in with WE”RE GONNA BUILD A WALLLL!!! Sometimes just to make myself laugh, I would whip out a loud punch-line that wasn’t even scary, it was just loud at first followed by a little levity like WELCOME to Egypt…. COME INSIDE through the pyramid…. WALK SAFELY because it’s a liability… BE CAREFUL this is not osha approved… EEEEEGYPT in your back yards… ENJOY THE NILE RIVER only less expensive… People were taking photos in front of the pyramid all night, which was really cool because it was my project I worked on all week- but also fun because little did they know the artist was photo bombing every one of their photos. They all pose, and I have this thing I would do chattering my teeth that scared the shit out of them when they looked and I was RIGHT in their faces. Sometimes some teenaged kids would come in and I would say SNAP CHAT THIS really quick and I sent them running in a full spring down the street lmao. Sometimes people ran out screaming, and thought they were safe, only to hear a growl on the back of their neck, launching them again into another sprint. I had one that was so scared, it was just nightmare fuel for the others and people waiting outside, I was running right behind her talking into her ear like I CAN SMELL YOUR FEAR, and then when she thought it was safe IM STILL HERE!!! Hahaha. It was so fun, and I saw a lot of the adults laughing and giving me a lot of props for making it as good as it can get. I really don’t know if the owner of the house dug the extremity of my tactics, but he didn’t know he also contracted a fundamentalist to scare the diarrhea out of all the neighbors. I think by tomorrow I will find out if when he gets calls about the party that it was either the best they ever been to and shower the scary guy with accolades, or he will be like “don’t ever bring that man back here again”, either way the island will never be the same. I was enjoying this so much, my alarm went off and before I know it, it was already 7:30! I told them I had a very important engagement in Jupiter I had to attend to, and the party itself was only going to 8:30; I was enjoying this so much that a rationalization appeared in my mind. “Eric, you are living the spirit of Halloween here, in its true form. The ghost of the 80s is here, kids are being incontinent and having a great scary time, lot of people laughing, back in your neighborhood there is NO one there- what if you just did this all night?” this was weighing hard on me, especially since I don’t eat candy anymore. When I say I don’t eat candy, I don’t mean a few M&Ms here and there, ive been doing a very strict Keto diet and I literally cant have candy without becoming ill. But as you know the spirit of tradition is stronger than my love of free candy, so I told myself I would just wait and see. By 8pm it started slowing up a little and figured if I stayed till 8:30 and nobody was there anymore- I would have gone home with regrets, and that’s something I don’t like to do. So at 8pm I told everyone goodbye and it was a pleasure working with them etc. Then all of a sudden, one last group came and I had to give them my all, my last little bit, win one for the micker, my last huzzah. I gave it my 100% all, despite my voice breaking and crackling like its my bar mitzvah, I scared them so bad then broke out into a high pitched scream and jumped up and landed with my head shaking side to side that I fell back and landed into an exorcist spider walk and continued to crawl around and completely morph into a terrifying spectacle. My boy Julian was there and in stitches over this final performance. After this I noticed it was 8:10 and dashed to the car, and sped off the island. I regretted not getting some water because my voice was shot and I was so sweaty and thirsty from all that popping around.
To get a good idea of the Pyramid I worked on this week, and where the hiding spots would be
Cleopatra showing off her Pyramids
I drove white knuckle like a madman on i95 and finally made it into my old neighborhood just passed 8:30. I have some SERIOUS work to do in a very little amount of time here. Being late to the party, I try to tell myself to relax, Im always here between 8-9pm window so I would be here anyway. But something this year felt a bit off, the neighborhood was even more dead than usual. I parked my car in the guest parking and immediately formed a map strategy in my head that would hit as many houses as possible so that the other houses that would clock out early for the night would be minimized. I forgot my pillowcase and all I had was a double trash bag, which let me tell you really put a tinge of caution to my now more than demented ritual. To my luck, a MAJORITY of houses had no lights on but the ones that did compensated accordingly. Last year it was pretty bad, with only maybe over 2 dozen houses giving candy- this time probably less. One woman was so kind, she just took the entire bag of store bought variety candy and tossed it in! If there were NO lights on in the house, I didn’t have time to make my usual statement as I did other years; but some houses had no porch light and still had lights on inside- so to my surprise they came and gave me candy! Like hey lazy ass, a light bulb only costs a few bucks for a pack and takes a second to install here! Maybe next year I buy a box of cheap of bulbs and give THEM a treat to help them adult a little better. One guy I knocked on came up to the door, maybe in his mid 30s (is it bad if I don’t know if someone is my age anymore?) and said “yes?” Trick, or treat “ooh your hear for Halloween? Well I don’t have any candy and, (looks at light) my light isn’t on” No candy? “no, sorry”. Dude what the fuck is your problem, did you come out here to try to get even with me or get a word in how you don’t give a fuck about Halloween so you omitted yourself from the holiday? Im the ghost of the fucking 80s, your lucky as fuck right now im not a bitter 13 year old because your shit would be finished for this sort of hubris. You have some audacity mother fucker, buying candy is the deal, I am the creeping death and this is pass over- give me candy and I will pass. I didn’t come all the way here to see your stupid face or have a conversation, I got other shit to do asshole. Several rows of houses, no lights but one! I got the traditional “you were my only one tonight” and I replied “yes! I came!”. The rich smell of mixed candy is now weighing down my arms. I ran in my old neighbor, his psychic ability and hopes to see if I made it again this year were rewarded. He always gives me a huge hug and thinks its awesome I still do this. We catch up for a little bit and I ask him how things are. Now one of my biggest observations I saw was a dozen or so houses with hurricane shutters still up?! I asked him about this and presumed maybe people didn’t live there. He said they do, they are just lazy. Just lazy! I couldn’t believe it! I told him they live in absolute darkness! Now having boards up, ok whatever, having aluminum corrugated panels up, yeah muster up the strength but ok, but seriously the rolling shutters??? Just move them over! Some of the plywood on the windows I noticed have been painted- so what seriously this is how you want to live now? In total darkness. Hurricane season is over, this is absolutely insane here. He told me the neighborhood had really no kids because there were TWO break ins today and they told them to do it early. I said “TWO break ins?? In here? In Jupiter????!”. Wow man, my old neighborhood, two break ins what a shame. J-town thugs at it again, breaking into houses now. This brings a level of caution to my game now, because now everyone is on high alert and there is a 6 foot suspicious as fuck character with a warped demented mask and a trash bag going door to door lol. Our meeting was brief because I still had a lot of houses to catch up on, I told him I was late because I had a mural gig and helped with this millionaire’s party- but that I had a very important engagement in Jupiter. He thought that was hilarious and wished me happy Halloween.
looking a bit more warped and melted this year
I bet its makers never intended it to survive this long
This is sort of refreshing
From there I rushed through the neighborhood, which was relatively easy considering that most of the houses, more than any in history, had no candy. I had a handful of people answer the door to tell me they had no candy, which always makes me feel good for at least implanting the guilty capital needed to supply next years harvest. One of my observations I make about people, is that to the core there is a great trust we have for each other. There is a seemingly threatening man outside your window, you look and are physically intimidated, yet you are compelled to trust he isn’t there to harm you based on some social belief there is a holiday you have to conform to. When you give me candy, I tell you thank you not only for the candy- but because #1 you actually celebrated this ritual unlike your piece of shit neighbors and #2 you trusted a stranger tonight. That fear, followed by trust, then topped off with confusion as I thank them and continue on. I can always feel their eyes watching me puzzled from their door about the strangest interaction they just engaged with. Like as if this is too abnormal to be normal, as soon as I give him candy hes going to smash my car window or steal my mail or SOMETHING… nope, happy Halloween! One lady asked me if I lived in the neighborhood as I walked away- and I said YUP and muttered to myself, yeah for about 8 years or so in fact… even if I moved 12 years ago, this is my neighborhood still technically right lol its these people who are all clearly new if they are asking me this. I got a couple of the exact same comments like “oh youre a tall one”. This one house took a LONG time to get to the door, but its that English lady who gives away all her kids candy haha. The girl wasn’t there but the boy now is so tall and going through his awkward years. She ran to the door and said “do you like candy? Here take all this” and while she was shoveling candy into my bag, I saw him sort of laugh with delight at the sight of this. I wanted to say “you’ve grown so tall young man” but this may by breaking the 4th wall so to speak. This one made me laugh to myself, I knocked on the door and this lady said shes sorry she had no candy, paused and then offered me some crackers. I had to laugh and say no thank you, but that guilt capital really kicked in and I think next year she’ll definitely invest in some candy. Now this happens to me every year, and its my biggest peeve- the houses that go ALL out decorations for Halloween, but yet NO FUCKING CANDY. Its my biggest instinct to want to put my foot through their lousy jackolanters for this grand disrespect. You got lights, ghosts flashing in the window that say BOO, pumpkins everywhere and a fall reef that says mother fucking WELCOME- but NO candy. Who even buys Halloween Christmas lights but doesn’t give out candy?? 3 of those houses were like that this year. One house I noticed had a cool darth vader pumpkin that was painted, and a UPS package on its front porch- clearly this is a good neighborhood to have that still there all day and night. Its pretty common to leave a bowl of candy if youre not going to be home or going to bed. I only saw one of those tonight, and it was overflowing full of smarties and 90% tootsie rolls. Ah yes, tootsie rolls- the worthless throwback from the days of penny candy. Most Halloween candy you can chop up and use in ice cream, baking, milkshakes or whatever you want to do- tootsie rolls are useless sugar. Be smart, like this fat woman who opened the door and had an industrial bag of Peanut M&Ms, I said “ohhh boy I love peanut m&ms!” she gave me a single bag and that was it. I know im the only fucker here lady, so lets not kid ourselves who you bought that bag for. I can see you telling your friends at work “oh only one trick or treater came by so I have no idea what to do with all these peanut M&Ms”. Hey Martha isn’t peanut M&Ms your favorite candy? So I had a Charlie brown moment this year; this one house who always had a teacher that gave out pens and pencils didn’t answer the door and all the lights were off. I don’t know why any adult would go to bed at 9:10pm, but I really was looking forward to getting a new pen this year. He h ad those plastic jacolaterns that little kids collect candies from the mall in- which only hold maybe 2 handfuls of candy (come on kids, pillow cases), well its dark so sometimes people leave candy out. Some houses it was so dark, I reached in and it was just a dead plant. This house I bent over, squinted and felt around for candy- instead I pulled out a rock. I suppose they wanted to put rocks inside to keep it from blowing away, but I would call this the worlds saddest decoration- adding on to the fact they didn’t give out any candy. So I took my new rock and left with it.
Vader pumpkin, too bad nobody was home
One dude walking his dog started talking to a lady that just gave me candy, and ask I walked away he tried to ask me in a threatening manner “do you live here?” Yup and kept walking. I don’t got time to talk to strangers Guy, unless you got candy keep walking. Again, you must be NEW around here because ive been doin this now over 2 decades in this neighborhood. The asshole award tonight goes to this one guy, around my age. I knock on the door and I hear a dog barking and he cracks it open- I state the agreement incantation “Trick or treat”, then in his most white boy wasted voice “he he he he he ohhh trick or treat he he he he he ok he he he hold on he he he one second.” So a full 2 minutes later, he pokes his head out “he he he I don’t got any candy man he he he he he I don’t do haloween he he he he he”. He was so high, drunk hit his head against the wall while pulling his head back in through the door, still making his stupid laugh”he he he he”. I thought of the cruelty of this man, so you had some kid at your door waiting on bated breath for you to fulfill your Halloween agreement- then you make him wait just to let him down? He he he he your car would have so much bologna and shaving cream on it if it were 1989 about now. To summarize this year, I would say it was again a shrinking holiday and dying breed- im glad I still found a balance between my personal life and enough time to rescue the holiday from permanent extinction in my neighborhood. I saw about 4 12 year olds walking through my neighborhood and when I just left a ladies house they asked me if they had candy “knock and find out guys” , like come on this is what its about- make the effort. Knock on some doors, show the neighborhood you exist and doll out some candy! Its only a few bucks, and your fat ass will eat it any way, but do it for the kids bruh!
Mission accomplished old friend
2016 bounty
Organized accordingly
All in all I got a gorgeous booty this year. So many delicious candies that pretty much only appear during Halloween, then the typical I forgot it was Halloween so I had some strange old shit laying around, then theres the candy you never see year round except Halloween, then all the new experimental type stuff.
My Charlie Brown moment
Something I thought was a bit weird, some Asian candy with an unknown fruit on the cover; the only English says “classic series” on it.
A generic lollipop that says “butterscotch Sunday”, categorized under weird shit.
I found this to be the biggest curiosity, a miniature green snickers rapper that just says the word “leaves” on it. Maybe this was from a Christmas batch?
The new raisinetes package changed their design and looks like complete shit, more like a walmart generic drug more than one of my childhood favorite chocolate dipped raisins.
The latest in experimental candy is with this Milkyway carmel apple,
and the Reeses peanut butter cup in ghost shaped and with white chocolate.
Still the one question nobody asked me this year, not one question over the man that has been coming to their door for over 2 decades. Another great year, thanks for reading. Will this tradition survive another year? Only time will tell, until then keep the passion for the holiday alive, bring out your kids and remember to keep it scary. See you next October!
Starting off with a brief summary of last year 2015, I have to say it was one of my favorite years going out- this time because my at the time girlfriend wanted to come with me and see what this was all about. I have to give her a bit of credit for going through with this, but this is just what fun people do. I dont have to remind all of you with kids who call me up and tell me what they have been missing out on all these years. Although I don’t have a kid to hold Halloween hostage, you know I dont need one and do this for the soul fundamental spirit of the holiday. I had my traditional 21 year old robe and mask and my gf had a pretty scandalous red outfit with light up devil horns and a cool red sugarskull mask I made years ago. Lord only knows how she could see out of that thing, but I have to say doing this with a friend is a lot less business and a lot more fun. Halloween I maintain is better with friends, just as long as they can keep up. The two of us worked well and slammed every house in my neighborhood in the appropriate hour time as usual. The good part about bringing a significant other is you BOTH share in the combined allotment of candy! And holy shit what a bountiful booty it was, there was a giant pile of candy on the floor of my room and slowly the pile shrank over the next month… lmao by The end of November it was looking a little bit thin. We are both tall people so it was double the amount of confusion for most of the neighborhood, but for some reason when two people do it- people tend to not question it, especially if there is a girl with you. I showed her all my tricks of the trade, like making them dish out the candy in your bag; I find people to be more generous than I would ever be socially humble with the amount of candy you can get. We saw my old neighbors, gave them hugs and went right back to business as usual. In the end it was a blast, and more candy than I could ever expect rolling solo.
Me and my old girlfriend celebrate Halloween
Double the expected bounty
2015 organized accordingly
Bonus: This pile mysteriously shrank by November 24th
2016 was an interesting year, one that almost didn’t happen! I had to search for my old mask and robe, and found it in my old costume bin under all my heavy stacks of other bins. The mask has progressively been liquidating and melting, now more warped than ever, but still 80s level scary! Its funny to think how far we’ve come as levels of scary. Going to moonfest, you see pretty much your standard Spirit Halloween in a bag Chinese costume generics; and with kids its pretty much super heroes etc. Reminiscing on the 90s, Halloween was pretty much a wall of bad ass scary masks, a few cool props- and the rest was pretty much on you. I was working on a haunted house project at this millionaire’s house on palm beach all week, working this Egyptian Pyramid themed party. I was hired to paint the pyramid and help set up, and on Halloween I decided to help scare some of the kiddies. I wore my classic Halloween avatar, and being that this rubber skull creatures face is so familiar with me- I forget all the looks of fear and disgust people give me when I wore it. You really transform yourself when you completely cover your hear with a mask and body with a hooded robe. As per usual, ive adopted my black walking slippers, which really are perfect for creeping around and gripping the floor when moving quickly. I stuffed my face and then when the sun went down around 7, I believe it was time to finally get into character. Everyone else were dressed as mummy zombie types, one guy in a black morph suit- and their shtick was to stand still and BOO when you walk by. Ive Always wanted to do this sort of haunted house thing, so this was finally my time to shine. The pyramid I worked on had these flaps, so when I saw people gather in front of it through the slits, I would get really low and SPRING forward screaming WELCOME TO EGYPT!!! I had some kids paralyzed with fear, adults laughing, kids crying, girls shreaking, a few running down the streets with me chasing after them. Sometimes its fun to do what I call the double tap, when you find one that is a real screamer, you let her go a minute when shes in the fetal walking- and come right beside until your face is almost touching hers and she FREAKS haha. Then you have the “oh you aren’t scary” types- but all you need to do is a quick flinch, or a sharp noise from the opposite side and then its all over for them haha. Its SO dark and I can move so fast and silent in these shoes. Sometimes I would get so LOW and pounce one direction, then when they grimace, come around underneath the opposite side to meet them again lol. Several babies were traumatized crying, one getto black dude got scared and said he almost punched me in the face haha, one little kid instinctually swung his fist back to throw a punch in pure instinct, I stared and then he turned it into a daps haha cool kid. I used a lot of physical humor depending on what they looked like, or their costumes. I would say things like HEY POISON IVY, or HAVE SOME CANDY RED RIDING HOOD, this one little kid dressed up as Trump so I flung myself from the dark corner and came in with WE”RE GONNA BUILD A WALLLL!!! Sometimes just to make myself laugh, I would whip out a loud punch-line that wasn’t even scary, it was just loud at first followed by a little levity like WELCOME to Egypt…. COME INSIDE through the pyramid…. WALK SAFELY because it’s a liability… BE CAREFUL this is not osha approved… EEEEEGYPT in your back yards… ENJOY THE NILE RIVER only less expensive… People were taking photos in front of the pyramid all night, which was really cool because it was my project I worked on all week- but also fun because little did they know the artist was photo bombing every one of their photos. They all pose, and I have this thing I would do chattering my teeth that scared the shit out of them when they looked and I was RIGHT in their faces. Sometimes some teenaged kids would come in and I would say SNAP CHAT THIS really quick and I sent them running in a full spring down the street lmao. Sometimes people ran out screaming, and thought they were safe, only to hear a growl on the back of their neck, launching them again into another sprint. I had one that was so scared, it was just nightmare fuel for the others and people waiting outside, I was running right behind her talking into her ear like I CAN SMELL YOUR FEAR, and then when she thought it was safe IM STILL HERE!!! Hahaha. It was so fun, and I saw a lot of the adults laughing and giving me a lot of props for making it as good as it can get. I really don’t know if the owner of the house dug the extremity of my tactics, but he didn’t know he also contracted a fundamentalist to scare the diarrhea out of all the neighbors. I think by tomorrow I will find out if when he gets calls about the party that it was either the best they ever been to and shower the scary guy with accolades, or he will be like “don’t ever bring that man back here again”, either way the island will never be the same. I was enjoying this so much, my alarm went off and before I know it, it was already 7:30! I told them I had a very important engagement in Jupiter I had to attend to, and the party itself was only going to 8:30; I was enjoying this so much that a rationalization appeared in my mind. “Eric, you are living the spirit of Halloween here, in its true form. The ghost of the 80s is here, kids are being incontinent and having a great scary time, lot of people laughing, back in your neighborhood there is NO one there- what if you just did this all night?” this was weighing hard on me, especially since I don’t eat candy anymore. When I say I don’t eat candy, I don’t mean a few M&Ms here and there, ive been doing a very strict Keto diet and I literally cant have candy without becoming ill. But as you know the spirit of tradition is stronger than my love of free candy, so I told myself I would just wait and see. By 8pm it started slowing up a little and figured if I stayed till 8:30 and nobody was there anymore- I would have gone home with regrets, and that’s something I don’t like to do. So at 8pm I told everyone goodbye and it was a pleasure working with them etc. Then all of a sudden, one last group came and I had to give them my all, my last little bit, win one for the micker, my last huzzah. I gave it my 100% all, despite my voice breaking and crackling like its my bar mitzvah, I scared them so bad then broke out into a high pitched scream and jumped up and landed with my head shaking side to side that I fell back and landed into an exorcist spider walk and continued to crawl around and completely morph into a terrifying spectacle. My boy Julian was there and in stitches over this final performance. After this I noticed it was 8:10 and dashed to the car, and sped off the island. I regretted not getting some water because my voice was shot and I was so sweaty and thirsty from all that popping around.
To get a good idea of the Pyramid I worked on this week, and where the hiding spots would be
Cleopatra showing off her Pyramids
I drove white knuckle like a madman on i95 and finally made it into my old neighborhood just passed 8:30. I have some SERIOUS work to do in a very little amount of time here. Being late to the party, I try to tell myself to relax, Im always here between 8-9pm window so I would be here anyway. But something this year felt a bit off, the neighborhood was even more dead than usual. I parked my car in the guest parking and immediately formed a map strategy in my head that would hit as many houses as possible so that the other houses that would clock out early for the night would be minimized. I forgot my pillowcase and all I had was a double trash bag, which let me tell you really put a tinge of caution to my now more than demented ritual. To my luck, a MAJORITY of houses had no lights on but the ones that did compensated accordingly. Last year it was pretty bad, with only maybe over 2 dozen houses giving candy- this time probably less. One woman was so kind, she just took the entire bag of store bought variety candy and tossed it in! If there were NO lights on in the house, I didn’t have time to make my usual statement as I did other years; but some houses had no porch light and still had lights on inside- so to my surprise they came and gave me candy! Like hey lazy ass, a light bulb only costs a few bucks for a pack and takes a second to install here! Maybe next year I buy a box of cheap of bulbs and give THEM a treat to help them adult a little better. One guy I knocked on came up to the door, maybe in his mid 30s (is it bad if I don’t know if someone is my age anymore?) and said “yes?” Trick, or treat “ooh your hear for Halloween? Well I don’t have any candy and, (looks at light) my light isn’t on” No candy? “no, sorry”. Dude what the fuck is your problem, did you come out here to try to get even with me or get a word in how you don’t give a fuck about Halloween so you omitted yourself from the holiday? Im the ghost of the fucking 80s, your lucky as fuck right now im not a bitter 13 year old because your shit would be finished for this sort of hubris. You have some audacity mother fucker, buying candy is the deal, I am the creeping death and this is pass over- give me candy and I will pass. I didn’t come all the way here to see your stupid face or have a conversation, I got other shit to do asshole. Several rows of houses, no lights but one! I got the traditional “you were my only one tonight” and I replied “yes! I came!”. The rich smell of mixed candy is now weighing down my arms. I ran in my old neighbor, his psychic ability and hopes to see if I made it again this year were rewarded. He always gives me a huge hug and thinks its awesome I still do this. We catch up for a little bit and I ask him how things are. Now one of my biggest observations I saw was a dozen or so houses with hurricane shutters still up?! I asked him about this and presumed maybe people didn’t live there. He said they do, they are just lazy. Just lazy! I couldn’t believe it! I told him they live in absolute darkness! Now having boards up, ok whatever, having aluminum corrugated panels up, yeah muster up the strength but ok, but seriously the rolling shutters??? Just move them over! Some of the plywood on the windows I noticed have been painted- so what seriously this is how you want to live now? In total darkness. Hurricane season is over, this is absolutely insane here. He told me the neighborhood had really no kids because there were TWO break ins today and they told them to do it early. I said “TWO break ins?? In here? In Jupiter????!”. Wow man, my old neighborhood, two break ins what a shame. J-town thugs at it again, breaking into houses now. This brings a level of caution to my game now, because now everyone is on high alert and there is a 6 foot suspicious as fuck character with a warped demented mask and a trash bag going door to door lol. Our meeting was brief because I still had a lot of houses to catch up on, I told him I was late because I had a mural gig and helped with this millionaire’s party- but that I had a very important engagement in Jupiter. He thought that was hilarious and wished me happy Halloween.
looking a bit more warped and melted this year
I bet its makers never intended it to survive this long
This is sort of refreshing
From there I rushed through the neighborhood, which was relatively easy considering that most of the houses, more than any in history, had no candy. I had a handful of people answer the door to tell me they had no candy, which always makes me feel good for at least implanting the guilty capital needed to supply next years harvest. One of my observations I make about people, is that to the core there is a great trust we have for each other. There is a seemingly threatening man outside your window, you look and are physically intimidated, yet you are compelled to trust he isn’t there to harm you based on some social belief there is a holiday you have to conform to. When you give me candy, I tell you thank you not only for the candy- but because #1 you actually celebrated this ritual unlike your piece of shit neighbors and #2 you trusted a stranger tonight. That fear, followed by trust, then topped off with confusion as I thank them and continue on. I can always feel their eyes watching me puzzled from their door about the strangest interaction they just engaged with. Like as if this is too abnormal to be normal, as soon as I give him candy hes going to smash my car window or steal my mail or SOMETHING… nope, happy Halloween! One lady asked me if I lived in the neighborhood as I walked away- and I said YUP and muttered to myself, yeah for about 8 years or so in fact… even if I moved 12 years ago, this is my neighborhood still technically right lol its these people who are all clearly new if they are asking me this. I got a couple of the exact same comments like “oh youre a tall one”. This one house took a LONG time to get to the door, but its that English lady who gives away all her kids candy haha. The girl wasn’t there but the boy now is so tall and going through his awkward years. She ran to the door and said “do you like candy? Here take all this” and while she was shoveling candy into my bag, I saw him sort of laugh with delight at the sight of this. I wanted to say “you’ve grown so tall young man” but this may by breaking the 4th wall so to speak. This one made me laugh to myself, I knocked on the door and this lady said shes sorry she had no candy, paused and then offered me some crackers. I had to laugh and say no thank you, but that guilt capital really kicked in and I think next year she’ll definitely invest in some candy. Now this happens to me every year, and its my biggest peeve- the houses that go ALL out decorations for Halloween, but yet NO FUCKING CANDY. Its my biggest instinct to want to put my foot through their lousy jackolanters for this grand disrespect. You got lights, ghosts flashing in the window that say BOO, pumpkins everywhere and a fall reef that says mother fucking WELCOME- but NO candy. Who even buys Halloween Christmas lights but doesn’t give out candy?? 3 of those houses were like that this year. One house I noticed had a cool darth vader pumpkin that was painted, and a UPS package on its front porch- clearly this is a good neighborhood to have that still there all day and night. Its pretty common to leave a bowl of candy if youre not going to be home or going to bed. I only saw one of those tonight, and it was overflowing full of smarties and 90% tootsie rolls. Ah yes, tootsie rolls- the worthless throwback from the days of penny candy. Most Halloween candy you can chop up and use in ice cream, baking, milkshakes or whatever you want to do- tootsie rolls are useless sugar. Be smart, like this fat woman who opened the door and had an industrial bag of Peanut M&Ms, I said “ohhh boy I love peanut m&ms!” she gave me a single bag and that was it. I know im the only fucker here lady, so lets not kid ourselves who you bought that bag for. I can see you telling your friends at work “oh only one trick or treater came by so I have no idea what to do with all these peanut M&Ms”. Hey Martha isn’t peanut M&Ms your favorite candy? So I had a Charlie brown moment this year; this one house who always had a teacher that gave out pens and pencils didn’t answer the door and all the lights were off. I don’t know why any adult would go to bed at 9:10pm, but I really was looking forward to getting a new pen this year. He h ad those plastic jacolaterns that little kids collect candies from the mall in- which only hold maybe 2 handfuls of candy (come on kids, pillow cases), well its dark so sometimes people leave candy out. Some houses it was so dark, I reached in and it was just a dead plant. This house I bent over, squinted and felt around for candy- instead I pulled out a rock. I suppose they wanted to put rocks inside to keep it from blowing away, but I would call this the worlds saddest decoration- adding on to the fact they didn’t give out any candy. So I took my new rock and left with it.
Vader pumpkin, too bad nobody was home
One dude walking his dog started talking to a lady that just gave me candy, and ask I walked away he tried to ask me in a threatening manner “do you live here?” Yup and kept walking. I don’t got time to talk to strangers Guy, unless you got candy keep walking. Again, you must be NEW around here because ive been doin this now over 2 decades in this neighborhood. The asshole award tonight goes to this one guy, around my age. I knock on the door and I hear a dog barking and he cracks it open- I state the agreement incantation “Trick or treat”, then in his most white boy wasted voice “he he he he he ohhh trick or treat he he he he he ok he he he hold on he he he one second.” So a full 2 minutes later, he pokes his head out “he he he I don’t got any candy man he he he he he I don’t do haloween he he he he he”. He was so high, drunk hit his head against the wall while pulling his head back in through the door, still making his stupid laugh”he he he he”. I thought of the cruelty of this man, so you had some kid at your door waiting on bated breath for you to fulfill your Halloween agreement- then you make him wait just to let him down? He he he he your car would have so much bologna and shaving cream on it if it were 1989 about now. To summarize this year, I would say it was again a shrinking holiday and dying breed- im glad I still found a balance between my personal life and enough time to rescue the holiday from permanent extinction in my neighborhood. I saw about 4 12 year olds walking through my neighborhood and when I just left a ladies house they asked me if they had candy “knock and find out guys” , like come on this is what its about- make the effort. Knock on some doors, show the neighborhood you exist and doll out some candy! Its only a few bucks, and your fat ass will eat it any way, but do it for the kids bruh!
Mission accomplished old friend
2016 bounty
Organized accordingly
All in all I got a gorgeous booty this year. So many delicious candies that pretty much only appear during Halloween, then the typical I forgot it was Halloween so I had some strange old shit laying around, then theres the candy you never see year round except Halloween, then all the new experimental type stuff.
My Charlie Brown moment
Something I thought was a bit weird, some Asian candy with an unknown fruit on the cover; the only English says “classic series” on it.
A generic lollipop that says “butterscotch Sunday”, categorized under weird shit.
I found this to be the biggest curiosity, a miniature green snickers rapper that just says the word “leaves” on it. Maybe this was from a Christmas batch?
The new raisinetes package changed their design and looks like complete shit, more like a walmart generic drug more than one of my childhood favorite chocolate dipped raisins.
The latest in experimental candy is with this Milkyway carmel apple,
and the Reeses peanut butter cup in ghost shaped and with white chocolate.
Still the one question nobody asked me this year, not one question over the man that has been coming to their door for over 2 decades. Another great year, thanks for reading. Will this tradition survive another year? Only time will tell, until then keep the passion for the holiday alive, bring out your kids and remember to keep it scary. See you next October!
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