Halloween 2013

Oh yes, another successful year. As most of my close friends know by now, i hold the world record for the oldest consecutive trick-or-treating participating adult. This year was no different, standard costume and same neighborhood, celebrating my 18th year! I noticed a lot of abandoned houses and construction work being done on the old neighborhood. Many of the houses not giving away any candy with their lights off, causing me to go into a bit of over time. I usually hit every house in 1 hour exactly, but this year i was ten minutes over because SO many houses wouldnt answer the door. Like every year, i have seen my share of hypocrites with houses decorated, severed hands, christmas lights, cob webs and jackolanterns with NO FUCKING CANDY. However, the houses that were still giving out candy were more than generous to compensate. I saw two little children with their parents in front of there own house, but absolutely NO trick-or-treaters this year. The parents were amused and made a spectacle of my scary costume to their kids. Yes children, i am a walking reminder of what it was like many millennia ago.

  Some of you who still are wondering why the hell i persist doing this; especially since i dont even eat candy anymore. I will tell you why; because over 10 people last night said things like "You were the only one this year" or "where is everyone else?" or at 8:45 i get "you were my first trick or treater". This has become more about principle, my cross to bare, if it wasnt for me Halloween in my old neighborhood would be canceled forever. Guaranteed the only reason why the small handful of houses still give out candy is because of me and me alone! It will be a cold day in hell if i raise a kid in a world celebrating Halloween by trick-or-treating at the mall, for a worthless fucking tootsie roll, from the Verizon store.

And now... the booty:

I can compare the weight to a ten pound dumbell. I always laugh as the night continues, my arms begin to bulge and my veins pop out of my forearms. Picture a 6 foot man perspiring, a razor thin robe outlining my veiny, muscular adult frame and presenting you with a pillowcase to dispense candy into. Most people have a good sense of humor about it and probably assume kids are just getting bigger, some others dont say a single word, and my favorite reaction is the confused ones that slowly close the door as i walk away- to get one last perplexed glimpse of what they have to make sense of what just happened. Yes my friends, i am the fundamental Halloween extremist; the ghost of the 80s, here to demand that the unabashed ritual continues.

I suspect people buy the candy they would like to eat themselves, in hopes nobody comes to their door and they can keep the rest- which is ultimately what happens. On occasion this leads to getting FULL sized candy bars! Holy shit that is like .80 cents each! A few pieces of penny candy made me come to a disturbing conclusion; I am getting older, granted, but so is the population. What i mean to say is, i have no clue where penny candy comes from- but i know the older generation of people do and always bought it. The elderly i knew, when i was a child, were full of wisdom from an different world where penny candy existed- they are getting older and disappearing. It is unsettling to think that as a child, the same little old lady neighbors that would give me candy all are probably gone and someone else is living in their house.

This by far was my favorite piece of candy. You can go ahead and say right away that they are recycling ass mother fuckers with some serious audacity giving away 8 month old candy! However, i think i know where this one came from. I approached a house and was greeted by 2 small strange looking children and a woman with an accent- immediately on the back wall i saw a Union Jack flag and assumed they originate from an obscure part of the United Kingdom. They all were startled and stared at me, the mother nervously started shoveling tons of candy into my bag "WOW YOURE A BIG ONE". I was fully amused by this because not being from the US they are unaccustomed to what exactly to expect, what goes on Halloween or how old you can be to participate. Maybe since she comes from the land of Caucasians and paganism, she thought i could potentially be the devil myself. In a blaze of superstition, she said "WAIT RIGHT THERE, I HAVE MORE!!!". She sprinted off to her room in the very back of her house, as her children stared at me in an awkward prayer like silence. She comes dashing back with a large ziplock bag full of candy, saying "HERE! take... take ALL OF IT!!!". Im going to go ahead and assume shes one of those parents that dont allow their children candy and if so will ration it. Right now shes funneling her offspring's precious valentine candy in front of their very eyes, into my sack. Happy Valentines day Hunter, the beast is satisfied... this year.