Halloween 2013

Oh yes, another successful year. As most of my close friends know by now, i hold the world record for the oldest consecutive trick-or-treating participating adult. This year was no different, standard costume and same neighborhood, celebrating my 18th year! I noticed a lot of abandoned houses and construction work being done on the old neighborhood. Many of the houses not giving away any candy with their lights off, causing me to go into a bit of over time. I usually hit every house in 1 hour exactly, but this year i was ten minutes over because SO many houses wouldnt answer the door. Like every year, i have seen my share of hypocrites with houses decorated, severed hands, christmas lights, cob webs and jackolanterns with NO FUCKING CANDY. However, the houses that were still giving out candy were more than generous to compensate. I saw two little children with their parents in front of there own house, but absolutely NO trick-or-treaters this year. The parents were amused and made a spectacle of my scary costume to their kids. Yes children, i am a walking reminder of what it was like many millennia ago.

  Some of you who still are wondering why the hell i persist doing this; especially since i dont even eat candy anymore. I will tell you why; because over 10 people last night said things like "You were the only one this year" or "where is everyone else?" or at 8:45 i get "you were my first trick or treater". This has become more about principle, my cross to bare, if it wasnt for me Halloween in my old neighborhood would be canceled forever. Guaranteed the only reason why the small handful of houses still give out candy is because of me and me alone! It will be a cold day in hell if i raise a kid in a world celebrating Halloween by trick-or-treating at the mall, for a worthless fucking tootsie roll, from the Verizon store.

And now... the booty:

I can compare the weight to a ten pound dumbell. I always laugh as the night continues, my arms begin to bulge and my veins pop out of my forearms. Picture a 6 foot man perspiring, a razor thin robe outlining my veiny, muscular adult frame and presenting you with a pillowcase to dispense candy into. Most people have a good sense of humor about it and probably assume kids are just getting bigger, some others dont say a single word, and my favorite reaction is the confused ones that slowly close the door as i walk away- to get one last perplexed glimpse of what they have to make sense of what just happened. Yes my friends, i am the fundamental Halloween extremist; the ghost of the 80s, here to demand that the unabashed ritual continues.

I suspect people buy the candy they would like to eat themselves, in hopes nobody comes to their door and they can keep the rest- which is ultimately what happens. On occasion this leads to getting FULL sized candy bars! Holy shit that is like .80 cents each! A few pieces of penny candy made me come to a disturbing conclusion; I am getting older, granted, but so is the population. What i mean to say is, i have no clue where penny candy comes from- but i know the older generation of people do and always bought it. The elderly i knew, when i was a child, were full of wisdom from an different world where penny candy existed- they are getting older and disappearing. It is unsettling to think that as a child, the same little old lady neighbors that would give me candy all are probably gone and someone else is living in their house.

This by far was my favorite piece of candy. You can go ahead and say right away that they are recycling ass mother fuckers with some serious audacity giving away 8 month old candy! However, i think i know where this one came from. I approached a house and was greeted by 2 small strange looking children and a woman with an accent- immediately on the back wall i saw a Union Jack flag and assumed they originate from an obscure part of the United Kingdom. They all were startled and stared at me, the mother nervously started shoveling tons of candy into my bag "WOW YOURE A BIG ONE". I was fully amused by this because not being from the US they are unaccustomed to what exactly to expect, what goes on Halloween or how old you can be to participate. Maybe since she comes from the land of Caucasians and paganism, she thought i could potentially be the devil myself. In a blaze of superstition, she said "WAIT RIGHT THERE, I HAVE MORE!!!". She sprinted off to her room in the very back of her house, as her children stared at me in an awkward prayer like silence. She comes dashing back with a large ziplock bag full of candy, saying "HERE! take... take ALL OF IT!!!". Im going to go ahead and assume shes one of those parents that dont allow their children candy and if so will ration it. Right now shes funneling her offspring's precious valentine candy in front of their very eyes, into my sack. Happy Valentines day Hunter, the beast is satisfied... this year.

The Last Man Standing

Yes my friends, October 31st 2011 has come and gone, and so goes another successful year and my ritual haunting the old neighborhood. I started a little later than usual, but that was no excuse for what i saw..... A completely dead street with absolutely not a single devil, ghoul, ghost, skeleton, zombie, ninja, spider-man, harry potter, fairy princess, optimus prime.... NOTHING. Its just me this year- The 6 foot tall reaper returns, celebrating his 15th year. What compels me to do this another year? Apparently I am the only one! Yes all the children must be at home sleeping because they were at "the Mall" all day. Well you can keep your center for commercialism, this ghost of Halloween past still soldiers the night on October 31st. Keep your laughter to a maximum, this is something i take with 100% unseriousness.

The first few houses is always the hardest... But then around 20 minutes into it, im reminded of why i do this. Not only is this the largest bounty of candy ever recorded- but because so many neighbors tell me "Oh here take some more- you were the only one this year". As a Halloween fundamentalist, somebody has to do this. One old lady (who searched around her entire house and garage nearly 10 minutes for the candy because she forgot where she put it) also told me that i was the only one this year- and that there was not many last year" I wanted to tell her so bad- "thats what you said last year mam".

Its always an interesting experience visiting my old houses that i spent so much time time growing up in. every year i like to see what they have done with my old room at 214 Maplecrest; or see how they redecorated my old house at 142 Maplecrest. This year they changed the guest parking on me and moved it over next to the playground. As i walked by the playground i couldnt help but reflect on my younger days growing up in the neighborhood. The time i spent roaming around at night on the weekends- talking on my Father's WIRELESS MOBILE CELLULAR DEVICE which was the size of a Vietnam military issued communicator. I remember rollerblading around that same neighborhood when i was 13, walking my dog with my old man when i was 14, hanging out at the pool when i was 15, my first spray painting mission with my mom at age 16- all the trips to west palm from Jupiter, the smilie gas station that had no name just a big smilie face, hanging out at the beach and the movies, the several thousand times i walked the same walkway to my front door- and there i was after 16 years.

As a 28 year old, my mind works differently than it did then when i was younger (no jokes), I start to notice details about the homes; such as if they have a termite problem, subtle lawn ornaments, missing shades on there window, gotti door knockers etc. Its funny i wont think of the inside of a persons house all year, but when i walk up to the door i remember subtle details about the house, who it is answering and what the inside looks like. Last year a common theme i noticed was the crude signage of people did to their front door that would read something along the lines of "SORRY NO CANDY (FROWNIE FACE)" or my favorite- simply "NO CANDY!". NO CANDY is like a huge FUCK YOU for the kids. The two biggest holiday seasons for retail is on Halloween and Christmas- and you're telling me you spent more time crafting a FUCK YOU sign than you could picking up a 99 cent bag of candy for the kids/ghouls?

One of my favorite things is the people's reaction to a 6 foot tall man at their door dressed in a crazy skeleton mask and black robe. Some people love it, some people are confused- either way i get candy because by the time they open the door they are bound to the agreement- TRICK OR TREAT. Sometimes i like to knock on the door a few times when i see them watching television and wait for them sarcastically. Im sort of like the LAST one every year, that big fucker who keeps everybody in line and makes sure that next year they have candy for everyone. BUT this year however i started a little later than normal (8:30, normally 8) so i didnt have the time to criticize the people who didnt have candy. I did however get this one jerk- this foreigner guy had the audacity to open the door and tell me he had no candy to my face; so i just said "no candy.... no, candy?" I stood there motionless with my bag out and waited sarcastically until he closed the door to walk away. LUCKILY i wasnt in the time frame to seek retribution for this violation or else his house would of been festooned with eggs, shaving cream, bologna and an assortment of toilet paper. This is an old American Holiday; everyone who gives an offering and decorates their home enjoys celebrating- those who dont are completely up for scrutiny and the occasional flaming dog shit.

Another trend i noticed a few years ago was a large number of houses that were foreclosed- that is always a sad thing to see and i pictured how you are supposed to explain that to a kid. There is this really nice lesbian that goes ALL out with music, cob webs, tombstones, skeletons- and when she opens her door inside is even MORE crazy stuff. She does it every year and i think it is so cool she does that. This one guy I watched through his entrance door window this year, slowly walk up and turned off the lights on me- just when i thought "woaw are you serious? is he just going to walk away right in front of me while I'm here like that??" then threw himself against the glass and tried to scare me! Very nice dude- he was another one that told me NOBODY came to his door- then unloaded candy on me! Thanks guy, not only for giving me candy but for being cool and for thinking about Halloween. The VERY VERY WORST thing i hate in the world on Halloween is- hypocrisy. This will be the house that has multiple jack-o-lantern, Spiders, lights, ghosts etc and absolutely NO MOTHER FUCKING CANDY. You fake hypocritical lying bastards! So many off those every year! Two houses this year had the classic "bowl of candy" offering in front of the door, this is always a blessing. One house had a table and a bag on it- it was sort of dar and hard to see so i reached into the bag to see what goods we got... It was miracle grow... THOSE BASTARDS! BUT I was SO tempted on taking it because i really do need miracle grow for my plants- however i decided against it because i didn't want dirt all over my candy.

At one point in the night i wanted to make better timing so while i walked past a connection area with no houses- i ran with my humungous sack in hand. After that weighted sprint, I began to sweating profusely which in turn made my razor thin cloak stick to my body. I picture people rationalizing my tall height as some sort of 13 year old that shot upward over the summer- but he would have an awkward perhaps boney body type of a juvenile who hasn't filled in yet- instead the sweat forced the thin robe to my body in combination with the muscles in my arms beginning to bulge and vein because of the weight from hauling my heavy candy sack around created an extra bizarre sight. Picture this; a 6'1" tall grim reaper is standing at your door with a large sack of candy and his swollen, hairy, veiny arms and hands gripped to the bag- there is a good chance this is no pubescent 13 year old... What i love the most is people will automatically open the door thinking there is a small group of children and instead you get me. ME lol. They cant NOT give you candy. One lady automatically leered downward when she opened the door and staring RIGHT in her face was my own and you can tell she near soiled herself. "You have a scarey mask!!" is a great compliment; not only to my same choice of mask ive worn 15 consecutive Halloweens but also to the fundamental spirit that HALLOWEEN IS supposed to be SCAREY! Many people laugh and compliment me, im not sure because they love seeing a good costume or maybe its because they know I'm humungous? A SMALL underhanded comment i got this year made me think. Perhaps i am being paranoid, but this one guy mentioned while giving me candy "here you go sir". I said to myself "Sir??? is he joking?? could he know?". I always find it funny when a kid younger than me answers the door and gives me candy, it always makes me laugh at how confused and scared they are. One kid dressed like a skeleton and being i was a large skeleton myself i told him what an awesome mask he had on- and then he said- "thats nuthin- check out my face!" taking off his mask and showing off his gruesome make up. Awesome- this was my hope for the future of Halloween.

I try to avoid confrontation at all costs; keep it short and to the point. I hit houses that has their lights on, if I'm in a hurry I'll wait 10 seconds and move on. Sometimes its bad when you can see them watching television and you know they are ignoring you. A few houses have a single step that you make to enter the entrance door, those are great because I stand directly behind the step to decrease my height by an entire foot- this aids in the illusion that perhaps a 6 foot tall respectable man ISN'T at your door and that children are getting larger or having a bizarre pituitary disorder (despite the fact that ive gone there every year since 1996 in the same costume- i have still never been confronted!). A pillow-sack is a perfect choice because not only is it traditional- but its size always fools the eye by thinking its never that full when the candy travels all the way to the bottom. It also doesn't appear very full- it just swells the bottom- it isnt until you see it lifted upward you realize how massive the booty is getting.

It takes me EXACTLY one hour to hit up every single house in my old neighborhood. When i finish, i pull my hood back but keep my mask on and sling my swollen pillow sack full of candy over my shoulder and begin my victory walk back to the car. I had the pleasure of seeing 2 teenagers (a boy and a girl) walk down the EMPTY neighborhood while taking my victory walk. As we strided closer it was obvious we observed each other's presence- mine especially. About 15 feet before crossing, one of them said nervously "uh Happy Halloween" . I remained absolutely silent which was incredibly awkward until we crossed paths and then immediately TURNED AND LUNGED FORWARD and went "HAAAAAAAAAAA!PPY Halloween!". They shrieked and started laughing right afterword repeating how much I scared the hell out of them. That was the greatest point in the night for me; i got to do what you're supposed to do on Halloween.

In the beginning i always say to myself laughing and cringing behind my mask "oh my god i cant believe im out here again, this is hilarious as it is humiliating...." but then you remember how fun it is and you get this unloading of candy into your sack.... I realize if i didn't do this nobody would. I have a responsibility, not only to my ritual but to my old neighborhood. As i reached the end of my victory walk- I could picture someones face while sitting quietly on their patio, spotting the last trick or treater of the night... walk up to a car, get inside and drive away.

and now what you been waiting for- the fruit of my psychotic labor:

Not Scary VS. Scary!

I was asked today about what i thought was a good kids Halloween costume- and first I wanted to address fundamentally what Halloween IS and what it is NOT- especially when it applies to children.

What is Halloween? Traditionally, when i think of Halloween, try keep in mind this is a pagan holiday in its roots and it is a very mischievous holiday. We don't chant the words "TRICK OR TREAT" because we want candy- it is a barter. It means i am a GHOUL coming to your door- you give me an offering and i will spare you... if you do not agree then may God have mercy on your soul. During the 80s, when i was a kid this was a VERY serous holiday- earlier in the night was for the kids but around 9pm the big kids (teenagers) were ALL OVER the place egging houses, shaving cream everywhere, toilet paper blowing through the trees. THIS was mischief! I COULD NOT WAIT to be a big kid! I NEVER forget, my Mother would let me bring ONE egg to carry all night and at the end of the night i could hurl it like the big kids. My Mom believed in fairness- so she let me do so i could have my own mischief night (and i think she enjoyed it as well). At the time i remember how heavy that egg was, how much it weighed me down and when it was my chance to throw it- i threw it as far as i could and it probably landed maybe less than 6 feet in front of me on the sidewalk. Although my full intention was to splatter this egg on the sidewalk- i remember being disappointed at how heavy and hard it was to throw but satisfied by the splatter it made. For adults who dont have the time nor thought of halloween to buy a 99 cent bag of candy for the kids is not only wrong, it is foul. They deserve some 80s retribution. God only knows now in the police state 2011, some 14 year old kid who TP'ed a tree would sitting in jail next to another kid that stabbed a guy. You might be kind of shocked at the idea of the entire neighborhood of teenagers going ape shit throwing eggs and smashing pumpkins- but let me tell you from my memory it was naturally accepted and the next day people knew what to expect. You just hose off the mess and move on with November 1st, no complaints or harm done- possibly they did worse when they were younger. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!



These are your typical kids costumes i found on google images. (boys costumes,all girls costumes are princesses etc)

I would like to make the point that dressing up is fun! Halloween is the time you get to put together an awesome costume and dress up! and YES being your character from your favorite movie is fun too- but lets remember what Halloween is! You are a ghoul terrorizing the neighborhood this night- not a walking commercial!! This picture seen above- NOTHING is scary! the only thing evil is Dr Doom and perhaps a pirate! A pirate is an oldschool Halloween costume and was a cool one- (remember there were no blockbuster movies about pirates until 2003 or whatever.)

So here is the problem, what do children do if they want to be a scary character from a movie but have no clue what the movie even is? We cant necessarily have a 5 year old watch a Friday the 13th movie... and it would be more for the parents amusement and the neighbors commentary on parenthood if we dressed up baby Justina like a favorite woman character from a horror movie:


Steven king's "Carrie" (awesome movie- not an awesome kids costume)

Horror movies have lent us classic evil characters of literature. They extend beyond the pagan ritual of monsters and ghouls- because they redefined fictional personifications of evil that contemporary society can admire. Freddy Krueger was a child molester that killed children with knives on his gloved fingers- he was tried in court but got off on a technicality. Then he was burned alive by mob rule. He captures kid's souls and tortures them hilariously and creatively in their sleep. He is an antagonist we all love to hate. Optimus Prime is NOT a Halloween costume. Some costumes can have a novelty that is too irresistible to say no to.- such as being a Ghostbuster. Why not? He is not evil but he busts ghosts; and ghosts are part of Halloween. Why bust ghosts? Because bustin makes you feel good!

I dont know why today's kids costumes have been emasculated. I was once scolded by a child that claimed "HALLOWEENS NOT SPOSED TO BE SCAARREEEEEYYY!!" and I say shut up little girl, you have no idea what youre little mouth is talking about. Furthermore, Halloween doesn't have to be expensive! Most of the cheap Chinese costumes that come in a bag were once someones idea they wore and it really went over well- then years later it trickled down to somebody who mass produced it and threw it in a bag for $39. Creating your own costume is fun and original! I think you can at the very least take a cheapo costume from the Halloween store and add to it. Take a basic inmate uniform... big fucking deal. But add a bald cap and weathered angry looking make up and you have Shocker!



But back to children. I dont expect children to know who the crypt keeper or Jason Vorhees is- but there are classic Universal monsters that ANY KID can watch and be for Halloween! Wolfman, Dracula, Frankenstein, invisible man, Dr Jekyl/ Mr Hyde, wife of Frankenstein, creature of the black lagoon, The Mummy, Phantom of the opera ETC ETC ETC All these classics are not only fun to watch- but perfectly acceptable for Halloween costumes!



The whole gang is here!

Back to my point, when thinking of Halloween- its whatever you want to do with it. I am a firm believer that scarey is FUN and it is the only time you get to do it. Dress up parties on new years or during the year are cool BUT it is no place for Leatherface- so take advantage of halloween's nature. Here is a list of classic- VERY EASY costume ideas that involve little more than facepaint or a mask and some accessories:. Werewolf, Vampire, Ghost, Mummy, Devil, Zombie, Monster, witch and my favorite- a Skeleton (throw a top hat on it!). For girls they can be a bride of Frankenstein's monster, a witch, black cat, evil jackolantern (weak!) Evil queen AND OR all the things i mentioned a guy can be!! Isnt that cool?


SO good luck, have fun and remember the essence of halloween!!! Dont make the mistake of boring your kids to a gruesome death!


not scary/retarded

VS. scary! (mildly)

Being an Adult

Ring in the new year with the Cheshire Cat Adult Costume- for everyday use.

One Size fits all! Something tells me i shouldn't believe that...



http://www.buycostumes.com/Cheshire-Cat-Adult-Costume/19383/ProductDetail.aspx